


dust to dust

by weatheredlaw



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety Disorder, Control Ending, Dementia, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, F/M, Future Fic, Hospitalization, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mass Effect Holiday Cheer, Mild Language, Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Post-War, Racism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 09:04:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2807039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weatheredlaw/pseuds/weatheredlaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Garrus had not been prepared to fall so hard. It complicated things.</i> </p><p>or: Three years after the end of the Reaper War, Garrus and Tali try to settle down. The galaxy has other plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. found a way to let you in

**Author's Note:**

> Written for on-insertissuehere for the [Mass Effect Holiday Cheer](masseffectholidaycheer.tumblr.com). It was meant to be a lot shorter, but it got away from me. Aggressively. Beta'd by and discussed at length with the good and basic user lythnia (go follow her on tumblr [here](turianboyfriend.tumblr.com). Forgive any odd liberties taken with quarian and turian societal structure or culture -- I sometimes get a little carried away.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus goes with Tali to Palaven, is not invited to a meeting, sees a reaper, kind of freaks out.

"Why won't you come to bed?" Garrus turns around at his desk, knowing how he must look -- the solitary light on as he flips through a dozen datapads, doing work he could have left back on Palaven, leaving Tali alone in the room they've both agreed is too large for their tastes. Too much time sleeping in cramped cabins and stuffed behind cover, waiting for the other guys to get tired. He exhales, mandibles flaring perhaps a bit too much, giving away his exhaustion. "You're being unreasonable, Vakarian."

"I didn't _say_ anything."

"You didn't have to." She crosses the room to him and reaches out her hand. He's still getting used to the sight of her uncovered, unhindered by her suit. It's more than a welcome sight when he's finally home. He lets her pull him away from his work, turning out the lights as they go. In bed, he settles back into his own spot, cold now. She clicks her tongue when he complains about it, closing her eyes. Then: "You _could_ say something, you know."

"I did. It'll warm up."

"I wasn't talking about _that._ " He breathes again, opening his eyes when her hand reaches up to touch the side of his face, running her fingers around the edges of his scars. Garrus shudders and Tali shifts closer. "You do this a lot."

"Sleeping seems so...wasteful."

"You're such a turian."

"Yes, and not even a proper one. Shacking up with a quarian. On Earth, of all places." 

Tali pulls her hand back, shrugging. "I told you, I wouldn't mind--"

"We're not discussing this again. Right here is just fine." 

She makes a face, which is new for Garrus -- Tali's expressions have always been in her hands, in the inflection of her voice. Not that it's changed much. He suspects she always had a penchant for rolling her eyes at him, but still. It's different. "I'm not interested in _just fine--_ "

"I love you, so I want to be here. Why are we talking about this again? Why aren't we sleeping?"

"Because you woke me up."

Well, she isn't wrong. Garrus sighs and reaches out to take her hand, squeezing it in his own. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been strange and I'm sorry I woke you up. I'm sorry about everything." He leans forward and kisses her forehead. "I've got nothing to complain about."

 

 

 

_Garrus is in the battery, blood dripping in violent blue down his side. He'll have to thank Joker later for managing to not kill them. For managing to outrun that brilliant blue pulse for as long as he did._

_"You're just going to stand here and bleed to death, then?" Tali's voice is enough to shake him out of his meditation, and Garrus turns to her, keeping his motions tight. She rests her hand over his and pulls it away, fingers sticky and blue. "You need to see Chakwas."_

_"I need a drink."_

_"Well, we can arrange that, too. But you can't stay in here forever, Garrus."_

_"Why not? Could put a cot up right there. Door's already open." He glances over his shoulder where the doorway is blasted apart. "You could come by whenever you wanted."_

_"Garrus."_

_"What do you want from me Tali?" He turns back to her a little too sharply and grunts, the wound in his side pulling tight. A wave of dizziness crashes over him and Garrus throws his hand out, catching himself on the control panel. Tali reaches for his elbow, but he shakes her off, closing his eyes and breathing through it._

_Tali finally gets a firm hand around his elbow and Garrus looks at her. "I don't want anything from you. I just want you."_

 

 

 

Love is a very different terrain.

They'd chosen to return to Earth for reasons they wouldn't tell one another, going wherever the Alliance brass needed them. There was so much work to do when they'd first arrived, and it isn't finished. After that first year, when Rannoch was still bare and Palaven was still burning, they made as many excuses as they could to get home, always leaving behind the little house the Alliance had given them as a beacon -- _no matter how far we go, we will always come back here._

Tali had been one of the first to start the therapy with the geth. Garrus had thought the idea would unsettle her, but he watched her, that first time, the way her body was still, her posture straight and elegant. Garrus had not been prepared to fall so hard. It complicated things.

It's _still_ complicating things. Watching her leave for Rannoch makes him ache. Too often he's leaving for Palaven as she's returning, and their single hour together is bittersweet, taken up by updates from her homeworld, or small assurances from Garrus that he won't be long on Palaven, really, just a few days. 

So when she asks him if he'll go with her to Rannoch, Garrus agrees quick enough to frighten them both. He clears his throat, relaxes his posture. "I mean, yes. I would. I would like to do that. With you."

"Are you ill?"

He shakes his head. "No. Sorry," he adds quickly." We just...haven't spent a lot of time together lately."

"Yes, I know. You keep waking up at prime hours of the night to look at invisible paperwork when you could be looking at me instead." Tali cups his cheek. "We're getting so close, Garrus. Wait until you see Rannoch. The city they've been building. It's a garden." Tali gazes past him, imagining her homeworld in her mind's eye. She kisses him, maybe to prove a point, maybe because she wants to. Garrus doesn't really care which, at this point. He closes his eyes and tips his forehead toward hers. "Eventually, we'll have more time than we know what to do with." 

"Just not today." 

"Well, _today_ we have a bit of time. Because today, you're going to Rannoch with me."

Garrus frowns. "Now I'm nervous. You're making me nervous."

"Don't be nervous, _general._ "

"Stop that, _admiral._ " He kisses her back now, with a little more force behind it, and holds her hands in his own. "Today is ours, then."

Tali nods. "Today is ours."

 

 

 

"I will always be impressed with how quickly the Alliance rebuilds." 

"A quarian saying something nice about human engineers?" Garrus leans back in his seat and chuckles. "I'll write this one down."

"Seventy-six percent of the Citadel is complete, Garrus. That's impressive work. Granted they've got quarians _helping_ them." 

"Don't forget the angry Prothean." Garrus folds his hands behind his head and glances out the window as they leave the relay behind. "Or the grumpy pilots. Joker says he's making supply runs every hour."

"Joker is a liar."

"Well, you aren't wrong about that." 

The other reason Garrus wanted to go to Rannoch because he had never really _been_. Not on good terms. Watching a world be rebuilt was something quite different than watching it fall. He'd been to Palaven only a few weeks before. It was nothing to write home about, but his father was alive and his sister was happy. 

The land outside the city is dry, and it reminds him of their desert on Earth. The city is the entire opposite, a river running through the middle, plants and trees growing up around it. An elegant bridge meets them as they leave the ship, but the world still feels angry and bitter. Garrus feels it the moment they land, the remains of the quarian fleet looming ominously in the atmosphere above. A few geth meet them at the landing strip, happily informing them that the admirals have been expecting Tali for some time now. 

"I notice no one mentioned the awkward turian," Garrus murmurs, settling a hand on the small of her back. She's wearing her helmet again, and the sound of her synthesized voice catches him off guard. He's gotten used to hearing her unfiltered, whispering in his ear, shouting at him from their upstairs bedroom.

"I told Auntie Raan--"

"Wonderful. One entire other quarian knows I'm going to be here. I just love a good homecoming party."

She's so annoyed with him he can _hear_ the eyeroll in her voice, but it's worth it. "I'm sorry I didn't make an announcement to the homeworld, _General_ Vakarian. Or perhaps you can understand why a turian military official might make my people a bit uneasy?"

"We just _saved_ the galaxy together, why--"

"Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy." A quarian officer meets them at the door leading to the courts. Tali had told him the structures were beautiful, but even still, Garrus is impressed. "The admiralty board is waiting for you." _The turian can't come_ is unspoken, but obvious.

"Of course." She turns to Garrus and takes his hands in hers. "I won't be long."

"You kept the name?"

"For now. Tali'Zorah vas Earth did not bode well with my promotion," she says dryly. "Besides, when we all stop living on ships it won't matter." She gestures for the officer to come back. "General Vakarian is my guest. Please take him wherever he would like to go. Within reason," she adds, pushing a finger toward Garrus's chest. "Be good, general."

"If you insist." 

He watches her follow another officer into the adjoining room, catching sight of the board before the doors shut behind her. Garrus knows with the board, it's always longer than she claims it will be. The last meeting she had kept her away from their home for a week -- she'd planned to return the next day. So Garrus doesn't have a lot of hope for even making it off the planet before tomorrow. 

The quarian officer looks nervous, and he's a complete rookie, Garrus can tell right away. Part of him wants to mess with the kid, but he backs down, leaning against the wall and instead asking for the tour. The officer perks right up. "Of course, sir! Right this way." He leads Garrus down the hall and points out some of the rooms. They've got quarian-built written all over them. They're small, but open and each room could fit dozens of Tali's people. Inside they're filled with steel tables and uncomfortable chairs, a luxury for them. 

"Officer, you may return to your post." Garrus turns and sees Shala'Raan standing at the end of the hall, her willowy figure much thinner than the last time they met. "I will escort the general." She closes the distance between them and reaches out to take Garrus's hand. "General Vakarian. It is an honor to meet you in better times."

"And you, Admiral Raan." He glances past her. "I assumed you'd be in the meeting."

"Our homeworld is being rebuilt. The admiralty board must do the same. Tali and her younger compatriots witnessed the war first hand. They should be the ones to see that it was not in vain."

"If you think I believe you're sitting on the sidelines, admiral, then you must think less of me than I had assumed." 

Raan laughs and draws back her hands, folding them behind her back and leading him out of the building. "Yes, I suppose it doesn't do me any good to try and fool you, general." She points across the city at the other buildings being constructed. Silhouetted in the background, Garrus can see the distinct form of a reaper, its body glowing that same, bright blue that Joker had raced against, lifting metal beams. "At first, you know, we did not know why it had come. But an Alliance ship followed with it and explained that they were here to help us rebuild. That something had happened on Earth. It took some time for our people to trust it, but in the two years it's been here, it hasn't turned on us."

Garrus feels his throat closing up around the words he wants to say. 

_Do you know the truth?_

_Do you want to know the truth?_

_If you knew, would it change anything?_

"Garrus?"

It's the first time Raan has used his name, and he blinks, turning to her and trying his best to smile. "I'm...sorry. Reapers, they...they make me lose track of things."

"You haven't adjusted."

"I'm not sure I ever will." 

She steps in front of him, reaching out to cup his cheek. Garrus flinches, because it has been a long time since a woman touched him like she was his mother. He wants to say this, the urge to break down and admit all his fears becoming overwhelming. But her hand is gone before he can move and she shakes her head. "Don't worry yourself to death, general. We've had enough of that to last us a lifetime."

 

 

 

Shala'Raan has another officer escort Garrus to the living quarters where they'll be staying. He strips down and steps into the decon chamber, closing his eyes and leaning against the wall. His underarmor always makes him feel exposed, but it's a comfort here, for some reason. He stretches out on the bed, promising himself he'll only rest, just for a while.

It's _hours_ later when he wakes up. 

"Did you just sleep away the afternoon?"

Garrus raises his head at the sound of Tali's voice, squinting to see her better. "No."

"I know. Auntie Raan says she gave you a tour."

"Kind of, yeah." He sniffs. "Saw that reaper." 

Tali freezes by the bed, her tension visible even in the darkness. "So did I." 

"Tour kind of ended there."

" _Keelah_. I'm sorry." She sits on the bed next to him, stroking his hand and leaning against his shoulder. "They kept talking about it in the meeting. How helpful it was being. How much work it had done. I didn't know what to say. They were telling the truth, Garrus. They're right, you know. And I couldn't argue against it, because it's done as much work as the rest of us--"

"You don't have to defend yourself to me," Garrus murmurs. 

"Of course I don't." She stands and reaches up to pull down her hood. "Help me take this off. I'd like to see you properly."


	2. it hurts like lightning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tali goes with Garrus to Palaven, meets his sister, meets his father, doesn't totally freak out.

Tali loves Garrus, but she can't stand Palaven. 

There is nothing comforting about it, or the people there. She'd always thought Garrus had been exaggerating when he said he just wasn't quite turian enough for his homeworld, or that he was a turian playing badly at _being_ a turian -- but when they land, she finally knows exactly what he means. 

"General Vakarian." One of the officers salutes and Garrus nods, dismissing him. His hand settles on her back as he leads her through the shuttle docking area, keeping his steps in line with hers. Tali used to think he touched her because he was trying to comfort her, but she knows now that it's more for him than anything else. A grounding mechanism, a way for him to feel connected to something that he knows. Because Palaven has become an unknown variable to him, even if he won't admit it. 

On Rannoch, they started building with the raw materials the geth had spent centuries protecting and collecting. Here, things are very different. Towers of metal and glossy, polished stone glare in the sunlight, radiating heat toward them. The structures are steely and practical -- turian in every way. Garrus had made sure she had a suit to protect her from the sun, but even still, Tali feels like she's suffocating, and not just from the heat. 

"We'll be inside soon," he murmurs, and it surprises her. She won't complain to him, not when he's done so much to make her comfortable. 

"I'm fine."

"You're broiling," he says dryly, pointing up ahead. "Don't worry, my sister got us a car."

_Sister? Keelah._

Solana hasn't brought the car, she's driven it. She steps out into the heat and stands in front of them, grinning. "The general graces us with his presence." She makes a sweeping bow before catching Garrus in her arms. "You look like hell, Garrus."

"Well it's good to see you haven't lost your cheery disposition."

"Screw you--" Solana stops, catching sight of Tali and tipping her head to the side. It's either a turian quirk or a family thing, because she looks just like Garrus when she does it, her flattened crest the only difference between the two of them. "Is this the quarian?"

"She's--"

"Tali'Zorah, right?" Tali nods, reaching out to shake Solana's hand, instead finding the girl's arms wrapped tightly around her. " _Spirits._ It's good to finally meet you. Garrus _never_ shuts up about you." She pulls back, her fingers under Tali's chin, bringing her gaze a little closer. "Come on, let's get you out of this heat. Dad's going to _freak_ when he hears about this."

 

 

 

No matter where Tali looks, the entire planet seems to be locked down. The number of civilians out of armor is nothing compared to those who apparently didn't get the memo that the war is over. She mentions this to Garrus, and he laughs. "No," he says. "That's how it's always been."

"But on the Citadel--"

"Citadel turians are soft," Solana quips, taking a sharp right and tossing them around in the backseat.

Garrus growls at her. "Could you _not_ kill us? Please?" 

"You fought reapers. You can handle my driving," she says, laughing as she takes another hard left and Tali ends up in Garrus's lap. 

"Well," he says. "Guess it's not the worst thing that could happen." Tali swats him and moves back to her seat. For some reason, she feels like she needs to be proper here, the martial law starting to settle in under her skin. Garrus takes her hand in his and leans in close. "Relax, admiral." 

"Easy for you, general." 

"Alright love birds, we're here." She's driven them to an organized set of houses on the outside of the city, parking outside one of them. There are less turians in armor, here, but the guard's presence is heavy, setting Tali on edge all over again. She grabs Garrus's hand without thinking, breathing a little easier when he squeezes back and pulls her closer. "Dad! _Dad_ , Garrus is here." She keys in the code to the front door and shoulders it open. Cool air rolls out the door and Tali nearly melts with relief. The house is still warmer than what she's used to -- Garrus's favorite thing to complain about at home is being cold and now she knows why -- but it's better than the angry sun and heat beating down on them outside.

"Stop _yelling_ ," Garrus mutters, giving his sister a shove. Tali can almost picture them being children, though it's still hard. She used to tease him about it, that he crawled out of the dust of his homeworld fully armored and carrying a rifle. 

"General." Garrus stands up straighter when his father comes into the room, closing the distance between them and shaking his hand. "It's good you came."

"Dad--"

"The higher-ups are having a meeting in an hour. We'll head out soon. Victus needs you to be there." 

"Of course." 

"Did you see the armaments on your way in? Coranthis and his platoon had those fixed the minute those damn bugs took off. Krogans helped. Still got some planetside. Being pretty useful, believe it or not."

"I do. Dad--"

"Solana, get us some coffee going."

"Yes, sir." 

"I'll have you meet one of the Krogan platoons, they--"

" _Dad._ " Garrus puts a hand on his father's shoulder, stopping the next train of thought. He finally looks up, eyes tired and old, weary of the war and all he's seen. He has a limp that he's clearly trying to hide, and Tali thinks he needs something to lean on, to take the pressure off of it. She doubts a turian would accept a cane, and she's not about to be the one who suggests it, but still -- he looks like he's in pain. He keeps watching Garrus, all of the tension in the room focused around the single point where his son's hand meets his shoulder. "Dad," Garrus says, softer now. "I want you to meet someone." He reaches out and takes Tali's hand. "This is Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy." 

Garrus's father finally turns and looks at her, and Tali feels very, _very_ small. There is no weakness in him, despite the pain she sees, and she understands, now, in a single moment, exactly why Garrus holds himself to such ridiculous and miraculous standards. 

"Sir," she says, keeping her voice strong and even. He pauses before reaching out to take the hand she's extended. 

"Vas Normandy. Isn't your homeworld being rebuilt?"

Tali's grateful for the mask to hide her flush. "It's...a bit sentimental, sir."

She expects judgement, or even laughter, but Garrus's father nods, folding his hands behind his back and nodding. "Of course. Commander Shepard is a hero to the turian people. You're right to remember him. Any way you can." 

"Thank you, sir." 

The three of them stand there for a while, staring at one another before Solana chirps from the kitchen, "Coffee's ready!" 

"Well." Garrus's father leads them into the next room. "At least we have a house of dextros today."

 

 

 

Garrus leaves Tali with his sister while he and his father head to their meeting, warning her that Solana is a notorious gossip and a liar.

"He's just worried I'll tell you embarrassing stories about him."

"Oh I know you will." He points at her. "No more than ten, I mean it. She's a filthy liar," he says again, pulling Tali in closer. "Don't trust her." He tips his forehead to hers for only a second before pulling back. 

"Behave," she says.

"If you insist, admiral." 

Tali and Solana watch them go from the window before heading back into the kitchen. "You hungry?"

"I--" Tali's stomach growls and Solana laughs. "Sorry."

"No worries. Garrus says the quarians are doing immunotherapies. Do you need this sterilized?"

"Just to be safe." 

"Of course." Solana moves carefully around the kitchen, favoring her left leg. When she catches Tali watching, she turns it out a bit, sighing. "Broke it. When we were trying to get off the planet. Rubble was everywhere and Dad's not...he puts on a good show, but he's not cut out for war these days. Or _those_ days, honestly. What's that word humans have? Cowboy?" Tali laughs. "Dad's an old cowboy. Thinks he can cut it with the boys, but..." She shakes her head. "He needs to go to the doctor, but he won't. Doesn't trust them."

"Garrus is the same."

"Not surprising," she mutters. "Honestly, we're all a little doctor weary." She pauses to blend something and pour it into a clean glass. "That okay?"

"Yes, thank you." Tali reaches into the pouch at her side and pulls out a straw, pulling a beautiful laugh from Solana. She hadn't known turians could sound like that. She takes a sip of the smoothie and leans back. "Is there a specific reason for the aversion?"

"I..." Solana's still at the kitchen counter, slicing up more fruit for herself. She pauses, takes a breath.

"You don't have to tell me."

"No, it's fine. It's just...when we were kids, there was...I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's hard to say." 

"Please, you don't have to."

Solana shakes her head. "I should be able to, by now. I should be able to say it out loud. I just...I can't." Tali's more confused than she was before, but she doesn't push it. The air in the room is thick with a quiet tragedy she knows she isn't allowed to understand, not yet. 

Shepard would change the subject. That's what he would do. "Do you have any ridiculous pictures of Garrus that I could use as blackmail?" she asks, and Solana immediately perks up. She goes to the table and wraps her arms around Tali, desperate for touch. This time, Tali hugs back. 

"I _knew_ I would love you."

 

 

 

Garrus and his father get back late, and yelling. Tali sits up, because the sound of Garrus raising his voice has always set her teeth on edge.

"I don't know why you're being so insistent on this."

"Because it's your responsibility. If Victus dies--"

"Adrien isn't _dying_ , dad. He's _fine._ And you've got no right to push your agenda on _me_ , just because you missed your shot--" Tali opens her door in time to see Garrus's father level a swift hand across Garrus's cheek. 

"You are under my roof, _general_. You will speak to me like you remember that."

Garrus stands up a little straighter. "Yes, sir."

"The line of succession is clear, Garrus."

"I'm appealing to be removed."

"You'll do no such thing." 

"Watch me." He starts heading back to their room, but his father reaches out and grabs his elbow.

"Garrus." It's the smallest his voice has sounded since they arrived and it's clear the tone catches Garrus off guard.

"Dad--"

"I..." He shakes his head. "Palaven... _needs_ you, Garrus."

"I can't leave Tali." Tali feels her heart beat a little faster, because there is nothing but raw honesty in his voice. "I can't. And she can't live here."

"Then where will you go? Rannoch? They won't accept you there." 

"I know that. But she's...she's worth it." 

Tali isn't sure why, but guilt swells up inside of her. The idea that she's holding Garrus back had never occurred to her, they'd just been making things work. Taking care of one another. She suddenly misses their cramped little house on Earth more than she can bare, the smell and sound of it filling her senses. She wants to be in their bed, tucked under his arm like she knows she's supposed to be, bickering with him over meals and vids. 

"She must be," his father says. Tali isn't watching anymore. She puts her back against the wall and breathes, the need to cry weighing heavy on her. "I'm getting to be an old man, Garrus."

"Getting to be."

His father laughs. "Yes...yes I suppose I've been in a bit of denial for the past few years. Ever since your mother...ever since we moved her offworld. I don't know. Looking after the two of you was never my strong suit. All those years on the Citadel and you two just...grew up one day." 

"Dad, you don't have to say these things. It's alright."

"But I do, Garrus. Don't you see?" Tali hears him collapse into a chair. "I just want security for the two of you. I want you to be _safe._ "

"That's not your job."

"No, I realized that. When that reaper was bearing down on us, and we were running. I thought we were going to die here. I thought that we would die here without seeing you again. And somehow, that was alright. Because I knew what you were doing. I knew who you were with. I knew that damn Alliance boy would do everything they said he could. That he was everything you promised me he was. I knew you would save us."

"Dad--"

"If you want to appeal, that's fine. I won't stop you. I'll speak on your behalf if you need me to. Adrien won't like it, but...she _is_ something, Garrus."

"I love her." 

Tali's heart hammers faster.

"Of course. I'm sorry for tonight. It was cruel, and I'm getting old. Go on to bed, I'll...I'll be along." 

"Yes, sir." Tali peaks out the door again and sees Garrus take his father's hand. It's probably as close to _I love you_ the two of them have ever gotten, and Tali feels guilty all over again for watching. She shuts the door quietly and slips back into bed, uncomfortable in her helmet for one of the first times she can remember. She wants to be able to kiss him when he comes back to her, to see him clearly, even in the dark. 

He comes into the room, moving quietly and getting undressed before settling into the bed next to her. Tali pretends to be asleep while he strokes her arm, pulling her in closer and kissing the curve of her neck before finally drifting off.


	3. i would abandon the moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus, self-proclaimed "bad turian" does the most turian thing imaginable and refuses to talk about his problems. The Citadel continues to be rebuilt and Joker has a proposition. Garrus is still kind of freaking out.

" _Garrus!_ " 

Garrus hates going to bars these days. Doing what he has to do gives him a constant headache anyway, and being surrounded by loud and obnoxious drunks doesn't help. But he owes Joker a few drinks, probably more, and it's been a while since they've caught up. He turns and finds himself wrapped up in as tight a hug as Joker can manage. 

"Good to see you, too, Moreau." 

"You owe me, like, seven beers."

"You're not drinking seven beers today. I'll buy you two." Garrus turns and gets one for each of them and they head over to a table. "How's it going?"

"Eh, can't complain. Trying to get a date for this damn hearing--"

"Hearing?"

Joker rubs the back of his neck. "The Alliance wants to...decommission EDI."

" _What?_ " Garrus feels his blood boil at the thought of it, and maybe it's because he hasn't eaten in six hours, but the urge to _shoot something_ is pretty damn strong. "They can't--"

"They can, actually. And they might." 

Garrus frowns. "You don't seem worried."

"No, I am. But she's...we talk about it a lot. You know EDI, she pretty much wrote the book on playing devil's advocate. She's made up a list of reasons why my life would be better without her. So, you know, I made a up a list of reasons it would _suck_ without her. My list is longer," he adds, with a smile. "But I did wanna ask you something."

"Of course."

"We need people at this hearing. We got a lawyer here, says the board will probably be pretty divided on it, considering EDI kind of comes with a massive approval from Shepard, you know? Like he wrote about her or something, I don't know. I guess when he was relieved of duty, they were asking about his Cerberus involvement and they wanted to know about her. He wrote pages about the crew, Garrus. _Pages._ Could have written a book with it. And the stuff he said about EDI was...it was great." Garrus nods. "Anyway. They need people to defend her. To say that she's different. That she isn't like the geth or a reaper. Which is like the only self-determining synthetic life these people really know about."

"How helpful," Garrus mutters.

"I know. But, like, the geth are being super useful now, right? And the reapers--" Joker chokes a little on his words, closing his eyes. Garrus knows exactly what he's seeing, exactly what he's remembering. "You know." 

"I'll be there. Tali will, too, I promise."

Joker sits up a little at the mention of Tali and smiles. "How's she doing?"

"Great. She's here, actually. They're considering giving the quarians a seat on the council. She's speaking on behalf of Admiral Raan."

"Man." Joker shakes his head. "That's amazing. Next thing you know we'll be friends with Councilor Wrex."

"I wouldn't count the krogans out of anything, not after what they've been doing. The turian councillor is their biggest fan these days."

Joker laughs. "Man, we say the _weirdest_ shit now, don't we?"

Garrus smiles. "Yeah, I guess we do." 

 

 

 

The Citadel is officially eighty-five percent finished, according to Tali, but the important parts, like bars and council chambers, are complete. And most the of the living spaces, apparently. Hackett had gifted them a space on the Citadel to make their own, but it just isn't their little house on Earth, though Garrus is pretty sure he could get used to living like this. 

"I still think it's a bit extravagant," Tali mutters, legs folded under her on the couch. She's been in meetings all day and Garrus leans down and kisses the top of her head. "Hello."

"Hi. How'd it go today?"

"Alright, I suppose. The council favors Raan for the position, but they're looking at other species as well. Did you know they're considering the _batarians_?" 

Garrus laughs. "I'll be damned."

Tali sighs. "I mean, it makes sense, I suppose. There are a lot of them. And they suffered a lot during the war. They should get a chance to voice their concerns. To defend their people."

"I agree." He settles on the couch next to her, letting her lean against him. "I saw Joker today."

"Did you? How is he?"

"The same, mostly. The Alliance is trying to decommission EDI."

" _What?_ " Tali practically shrieks in his ear and sits up. " _No._ They can't do that." She stands, starting to pace and pulling up her omni-tool, making notes to herself. "We can get at least a dozen witnesses, even some ex-Cerberus I'm sure. They can vouch for her programming, they--"

"Tali." Garrus grabs her elbow. "Joker asked us to be witnesses at her trial."

"Oh." She lets her arm fall to her side, looking up at him. He's grateful he can see her face, learn all her different expressions, all the ways her lips curve and fall, the way her eyes always have that shine in them, like she's building something. "So we...we can help, then." Garrus nods. " _Keelah._ Okay. Okay, that's...good." She calms down now, looking around their apartment, a little lost. "It's so big in here."

"And cold," Garrus mutters, mostly because he can, partly because it's true.

"So come to bed with me," she says, walking backwards toward the bedroom and tugging on his hand. "I'll heat you up." 

Garrus laughs. "Your foreplay could use some work, admiral." 

"You won't be saying that when I'm through with you, general." 

 

 

 

In the morning, Garrus lounges for longer than he should. He'd made Tali late for her meeting, something he only pretended to feel bad about. She's messed with the temperature controls in the apartment and he's considering settling back in for a warmer nap when someone buzzes at their front door. 

"Who is it?"

Kaidan's face fills the screen on the bedside table. "Should have known you weren't a morning person Vakarian."

Garrus laughs. "Alright, alright. Give me two minutes." 

He dresses and lets Kaidan in, locking the door behind him. "Damn, Hackett set you up, too?"

"Oh, so we all got tiny apartments on the Citadel from the Alliance. You know, I knew the war would have benefits." Kaidan chuckles and pulls a bottle of turian wine out of a bag. "You shouldn't have. Really. I think there's some beer around here that won't kill you. Bit early to drink, isn't it?"

"Victory celebrations have no start, no end. That's what John said to me once, anyway." He smiles at the thought of it and sets the bottle on the counter. "We'll just have a little. Where's Tali?"

"Advocating for a quarian seat on the council." Garrus twists the cap off a beer and hands it over.

"Right, right. I heard that was happening. She's not gunning for it, is she? Doesn't seem her style."

"No, of course not. Admiral Raan's the candidate."

"Well, here's to everlasting peace, I guess." Kaidan lifts his bottle and Garrus fills his glass, mirroring him. "Cheers."

"Cheers." Garrus takes a long drink and sets down the glass. "You here on business, then?"

"I'm here because Joker asked me to be. He tell you about EDI?"

Garrus scrubs a hand over his face. "No offense? But fuck the Alliance." Kaidan laughs, almost choking on his beer. "Seriously."

"You know, I get why they feel the way they feel? But I'm with you. I'm really with you. He told me John wrote this _amazing_ stuff about her. Before the reapers landed. Just...he keeps helping us, doesn't he?" The words come out smaller than Kaidan probably intended and Garrus doesn't answer. "The one on the Citadel finally left last night. Right when I got here."

"Didn't see it," Garrus lies, because telling the truth means remembering what he _did_ see and that means remembering what he knows and that means and that means and that means--

"Garrus?" Kaidan grabs him before he hits the floor, struggling to keep him up. Garrus's vision blacks out for a second, and there's nothing but screaming in his ears. He closes his eyes against the light trying to break through and tries to force air into his lungs. Tali taught him how to breathe through these, to survive them with his dignity intact. Panic attacks aren't a very turian concept. The first time he'd had one, he felt like he was dying. "Garrus, man, you okay?"

"No," he finally says, and lets Kaidan get him to the couch. "Shit, sorry."

"Hey." Kaidan's hand braces heavy on his shoulder. "Don't ever apologize to me, okay?" Garrus nods, because words are hard. "I know. _Garrus--_ " He looks up, and Kaidan's face is sincere and sympathetic, but not sorry. "I _know._ " 

"Of course you do."

Kaidan nods and lets go, leaning back into the couch. "You know, sometimes I...sometimes I think about talking to one. Just to understand. Like it'll explain something new to me, I don't know. I know it isn't _him_ in there. But...but it was. Remember?"

"Yes."

"It sounded just like him. Like he always did. But different, too, I guess. I still don't understand. I still don't get why he did it. I get why it's helpful, why maybe it needed to happen. But I don't get why it was _him._ I'll never understand. Liara talks to me about faith sometimes. Destiny and all that." The words are bitter in his mouth, Garrus can tell. "I love Liara as much as I can. But I don't care."

"Where is she?"

"She and Javik were somewhere near Eden Prime again. Left a few days ago to dig up more ruins. Mind melding with each other all the damn time. She's going to become a full on Prothean if she isn't careful." He shakes his head. "I guess I just...don't want to believe that. That it was Shepard's destiny or something."

"It's hard to think about."

"It is. I miss him." _I loved him_ goes unsaid. 

John had told Garrus to take care of Kaidan. Maybe just on general principle, because Kaidan's more than capable of caring for himself. He'd told him to take care of Tali, too, for some reason. Again, just because, probably. Because he knew that anything could happen. Believed they would all live to care for one another after he was gone. 

He told Garrus to take care of the people he loved, but he never really told Garrus to take care of himself. 

He should have, Garrus thinks as he finishes the bottle of wine long after Kaidan's gone. He really, _really_ should have.

 

 

 

" _Did you drink this entire bottle of wine?_ "

Garrus coughs into the sink one more time. "Um--"

"You stupid, ignorant, infuriating _bosh'tet!_ Are you trying to kill yourself?"

"Not today," Garrus slurs, trying to keep himself standing straight and failing, ending up with half his body still in the kitchen sink. Tali looms over him, grabbing his chin in her hand and forcing him to look at her. "Sorry." 

"You're pathetic."

"I know." 

She sighs and gets him a bottle of water, shoving it into his hands. He struggles with the cap, but she just watches, looking angry and slightly murderous. Which is usually a huge turn-on for him -- and who is he kidding, it's a huge turn-on right now -- but the disappointment coloring her posture makes him want to curl up on the ground a die. A lot.

"Kaidan came by. I had another one of those...things."

"It's called a panic attack, Garrus."

"Whatever." 

Tali inspects the empty bottle, tossing it elegantly into the garbage and hefting him up by his collar. "Shower. Detox. Decon. Now." He groans and she shakes him. "You don't have the stomach for alcoholism, Vakarian."

When Garrus finally sobers up, he finds Tali sitting up in bed, sorting through notes from her meeting. "How'd it go today?"

She doesn't bother to look up at him, waving her hand. "Everything was fine. It's not important. Raan is probably getting the council seat and the batarians will appeal for their own in a few weeks or so. I'm a bit more concerned about you."

Garrus shakes his head, going into the bathroom to avoid looking at her. "Don't be."

"How many attacks have you had in the last month?"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"Garrus--"

He slams his hand on the counter. "I _do not_ want to talk about this." 

She doesn't say anything. Garrus wonders if he's finally pushed hard enough to have her go to bed angry with him for the first time since they started this thing. He turns to apologize and bumps right into her, suddenly held up by her arms, enveloped with the sweet, tired scent of her -- like citrus and clean sheets and wire smoke.

"I love you. But I don't really care."

"So we're going to talk about it anyway."

"Yes, but not tonight." Tali rests her cheek on his chestplate, closing her eyes. Garrus feels tension ease out of him and he relaxes, settling his hands on her hips. "I'm too tired to fight. Come to bed." She pushes herself up and kisses his chin before turning to go back into the bedroom. 

Garrus closes his eyes and grips the counter for a moment, wondering how he got so lucky, what he did to deserve this, and why it hasn't all slipped away.


	4. just wanna be by your side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tali tries to grin and bear it, but one admiral's ideas may be too much for her to handle. Meanwhile, she and Garrus start keeping their promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter introduces some original quarian characters who will be important for Tali's arc for the remainder of the story. I also don't know how to name quarians, so now we're all suffering.

On Rannoch, time drags. Tali usually returns to her homeworld alone, because Garrus is either on Palaven or the Citadel. The past year, their time together has gotten further and further apart. They spend less time on Earth, which is fine, but she misses the comfort of their little house. She likes to imagine what it would look like on Rannoch, preferably with Garrus inside of it. Being there alone makes her feel more out of place than ever.

Keeping the place on Earth was once a good idea, and sometimes, when they're finally together, leaving homeworld talk behind -- Tali remembers that it still is. They needed a place for them, a place to get away from rebuilding for a while, to be alone and completely themselves. They needed a place to recharge. They needed a place to connect them with Shepard. 

Sitting in another meeting, daydreaming behind her mask, Tali misses her commander desperately, more than ever -- he'd know how to save her from this. 

"Do you agree, Admiral Zorah?"

She snaps to attention, turning her eyes to Mara'Zael, the only other female quarian on the board. Mara'Zael, Tali believes, may be an actual witch, a term she learned from Joker during her first time on the Normandy. Since joining, she's been able to sway most decisions in her favor, reorganize the board to her liking, and probably find the answer to eternal life. She's effective and ruthless and has the quarians' best interests at heart.

It's just a shame she doesn't seem to care for Tali.

"I--"

"If you're going to doze off in meetings, Admiral Zorah, perhaps you should stay on Earth." Mara doesn't even look up, shuffling a few datapads out of the way before turning to Admiral Haas. Tali watches her speak, detesting and admiring her at once. There is nothing about Mara'Zael that is inherently distrustful or hateful, but she has never once said a kind word to Tali. 

Admiral Zael ends the meeting, dismissing them all, reaching for Tali's shoulder as she passes. "I'd like to speak with you."

Tali scowls behind her mask. "I'd rather you didn't." She isn't interested in a squabble, but she also isn't interested in being treated like a child. 

"I feel the same way," Zael says, folding her arms over her chest. "But I'm not chastising you." She waves a hand. "I don't care if you don't pay attention to meetings, but I care about your input. You have invaluable experience to aid the fl--" She pauses. "The homeworld. The board is trying to build a new Rannoch for everyone. If you can't bring anything to the table, then find a replacement."

"I have--"

"You don't spend enough time here. I'm well aware of your situation on Earth, and I know why you feel about the planet the way you do." Her voice is suddenly compassionate, and Tali wonders where it's coming from, and what she wants. "Commander Shepard is dead. Living on his planet does you no good. Not when your own needs you so desperately. Forgive me, for what I said in the meeting. I have zero desire for you to live somewhere else. Honestly..." She shakes her head. "Honestly, Tali, I need to offer you an ultimatum. I've spoken with the other members of the board. If you can't take up a more permanent residence on Rannoch, I'm going to replace you."

Tali is speechless. In her mind, her trips to Rannoch are frequent. At least three times a month. Has it not been enough? "I...I don't know what to say." Mara'Zael's words surprise her. She goes for truth. "I thought you just didn't like me."

Zael tips her head and laughs. "Tali'Zorah. If I didn't like you, believe me. You would know."

"This is all easy to talk about, you understand that."

"I do. Which is why I'm telling you now. Get your affairs in order. I'm giving you six weeks."

 _How generous._ "Thank you." She watches Mara leave the chambers, waiting for the doors to close before rushing to the doors on the opposite end.

She needs to call Garrus.

 

 

 

 _"It's not unreasonable."_ Garrus's hologram flickers on the platform in front of her. Every so often another turian passes close enough to interfere to be seen alongside him. _"Sorry. I'm at the base."_

"It's alright." She's safe in her quarters, mask off and curled up in an armchair in front of him. "I just don't know what to do."

 _"We'll figure it out."_ He glances behind him. _"I'm glad you called, Tali."_

"You look busy."

 _"I wish I wasn't,"_ he says sheepishly. _"But yes. When will you be done?"_

"I don't know." She leans forward, trying to see him better. Read the expression on his face. "In a few days, I hope."

_"I'm going home after this. Meet me there."_

Saying _yes_ should be a no-brainer, of course. But too many times they've made promises to one another they haven't been able to keep. His tone sounds certain, this time, tinged with hope. Tali nods and reaches out, brushing the edges of the hologram. Garrus reaches back. "I miss you," she says. 

_"And I miss you. I'll be home in three days."_

Tali nods. "Three days."

_"See you soon."_

 

 

 

In the morning, Tali meets Shala'Raan at the docks, riding with her in the car to her home. "There will be a ceremony in a little over a month, presumably after the batarians have secured their seat."

"It looks that good for them, then?"

Raan nods, hands folded elegantly in her lap. "Indeed. The only other applicants were a volus, and his record was spotty. No krogan, this time around."

"Not surprising. They have a lot of work to do still before they get taken seriously as diplomats." Tali doesn't necessarily agree with her own words -- she finds the krogan more likeable than most other species she comes into contact with, but still. She understands. "You're sure you won't come to the meeting today?"

"I'm afraid I have meetings of my own, Tali'Zorah." Raan reaches out and takes Tali's hand in hers. Tali isn't sure how to tell her about Zael and the board's ultimatum, and she isn't sure she wants to. She has time, and Garrus calmed her nerves. But, still. It's unsettling enough to have her nervous for the rest of the meetings. Having Raan there would be a crutch, she knows that. But a comfort all the same. 

She arrives at the chambers early to see Admiral Haas setting up his notes on a podium. He's the son of an old family friend, one she hasn't spoken to in a while. Tali thinks his father was killed in the last war with the geth, but she isn't sure. When Tali nods toward him, he barely acknowledges her. She wonders how much he knows about the deal, how much he supports it. She takes her seat and watches Mara'Zael and Dega'Meer enter the room. Zael gives Tali a kind nod and sits in her customary seat.

When Zael is finished invoking the ancestors, Haas stands abruptly and goes to the podium. "Admiral Haas, I understand you have new business, but--"

"I'm well within my rights to speak now, Admiral Zael." His tone is seething, overflowing with something Tali hasn't heard before. She doesn't know what's wrong, but she holds up a hand.

"It's clear Admiral Haas has something important his wishes to discuss. Can we agree to let him continue?"

"Agreed," Meer says, leaning forward. Zael waves for him to continue.

Haas nods. "Thank you." He turns and activates his omni-tool, bringing up a screen. "We as a board have been avoiding a particular subject. We have almost completely integrated the geth into our society. We are forty-one percent finished dismantling the liveships, and thirty-three percent of the warships have been updated and landed. The military academy is almost completed. The first class of students will be accepted next harvest cycle. However, I am concerned with population growth, something we have completely neglected."

Meer laughs. "That's hardly true. We talked about birthrates a few sessions ago." Tali cringes under her helmet. She'd missed that meeting. 

"And we agreed they were too low to be viable." 

"Get to the point, Haas." Zael is getting frustrated. She doesn't like her meetings derailed with nonsense, and for once, Tali understands her. 

Haas nods and turns to Tali. "Admiral Zorah. Have you and your turian partner discussed marriage?"

" _What?_ " Tali stands up. " _Keelah_ , Haas. You--"

"If you were to marry, would you be able to produce viable offspring?"

"Haas--"

"My estimates show eleven percent of quarians living on-world have partners of a different species. That number jumps to more than thirty percent for those living _away_ from Rannoch." Tali is steaming under her mask. She's never even told Haas about Garrus, he has no _right_ \-- "We cannot risk a population decline. Not now."

Meer folds his arms over his chest. "What are you suggesting?"

"He's suggesting we disallow our people from taking on non-quarian partners," Zael says, sounding bored. "It's noble in its intent, but not feasible."

"With the proper incentives--"

"And _punishments_ ," Tali snarls. "You cannot. This takes the arm of the law too far."

"The board has always had direct control over the population, Admiral Zorah. The one-child law no longer exists, but we cannot afford to lose potential civilians because a quarian has chosen to marry a human. Or a turian." He stares at Tali. "Don't be naive. The board should be an example--"

"This isn't happening, Haas." Zael stands. "You're being unreasonable."

"And foolish." Meer laughs again. "We have quarians who have been partnered with other species for longer than you've been alive. If you're suggesting we put the delicate relations between our people and those we now have to work with at risk, then I'll have to side with Mara and Tali." 

Haas clenches his fists. "And when we experience record declines in birth rates? When the dead outnumber infants?"

"They already do, Haas." Tali lets her anger subside and tries to reason. "The war has only barely ended. The reapers may have been defeated, but the effects of the violence were astronomical. There were more deaths than births just three months ago. Population increase takes _time_ \--"

"Just because you've chosen to live on a second-rate planet, with a damn _turian_ \--"

"And what do you mean by that?" 

"You're biased. You have been ever since you came on this board. Just because you served with the old guard, it doesn't make you _better._ Just because Commander _Shepard_ thought you were good enough to bring on half a dozen suicide missions doesn't make you great. And just because you've decided your own species isn't good enough for you, or your own _homeworld_ \--"

"That's _enough._ " Zael stands. "This meeting is _finished._ We are not discussing Admiral Zorah's personal relationships or history. They aren't on trial, and we are _not_ considering your measure. If you would care to enlighten yourself to some population growth statistics, I suggest you visit the archives. The librarian would be happy to assist you." 

Haas swears at them and turns to leave the chambers, abandoning his things on the podium. Zael turns angrily on her heel and exits on the opposite end. Tali sits back down.

Meer leans over. "Doesn't some old geth prime run the archives now?"

"I believe so," Tali mutters, feeling exhausted.

He chuckles. "Yeah, I thought so. Almost pissed myself the first time I went in. At least we had a good laugh about it."

 

 

 

Tali foregoes her apprehension and goes to Raan immediately after she leaves. The old admiral is in the middle of an immunotherapy, resting in an oversized chair and listening to Tali vent.

"He brought _Garrus_ into it. Brought up a marriage we haven't even discussed yet. I don't know if I want to marry Garrus. Or if he wants to marry me. And how _dare_ he speak about Earth that way. Or Garrus's people! You should have heard the way he said _turian._ The way he spoke about _Shepard_ , too. It's outrageous, it's completely unbelievable."

Shala'Raan leans back in her chair, watching Tali pace. She's always been a good listener, ever since Tali was a little girl. It probably has more now to do with age than patience, but still. It's nice to be heard. 

"You understand what Haas is afraid of?"

" _Keelah_ , of course I do. But the statistics indicate--"

"He's young, Tali. He's afraid the work you're doing will be undone too soon. What good is a homeworld rebuilt if there is no one to care for it in the future?"

"We will grow. We have been growing. He can't deny the number of infants. We had record births last year."

"Yes, and record deaths three years before. You said it to him yourself. The war is too fresh in peoples' minds. The loss stands out. We're still losing people to prolonged illness. To exposures we had ever experienced."

"That will decline. As all things like this do."

Raan nods. "I know this. You know this. Haas is not trying to single you out. He wants you on his side. His request is impossible, but well intentioned. There is no way to properly enforce what he would like to do. We no longer live on ships. We are farmers, now, and builders. We need as many hands as we can get, quarian or otherwise." She draws Tali in, settling her down on another chair. "You're right to be angry with Haas. But what you told me about Zael still stands. If you want to be taken seriously by your board members, then you need to be _here._ Haas will find someone to replace you. Zael has no time for his antics or _yours._ " 

Tali feels like she's been slapped. Her mentor, her mother's oldest friend, her greatest defender -- the truth is there, and it's unsettling. 

"I can't leave Garrus." 

"I know this."

"I love him. He's too important. He's the only one who..." Tali takes a breath. She can almost feel his hand on her shoulder, reassuring her. "We saw so much together. I would never find another soul who knows me the way he does."

"No one is asking you to."

"I can't make this decision now."

Raan smiles. "And that's why you have time. No one understands time like quarians, my dear. No one."

 

 

 

The next time Tali calls Garrus, he doesn't pick up. Solana does, briefly, and tells her Garrus and her father have been putting out political fires for two days and she suspects they might starve to death if she doesn't do something about it. 

_"Honestly, they fight all day, they talk all night, they sleep two hours and then they do it again. They're living off of coffee and adrenaline. Dad's getting off on it, but Garrus is sick of it. He never enjoyed politics."_

Tali nods. She's in the communications room of the admiral chambers -- Solana hasn't seen her without her mask, and a vid comm isn't the way to do it. "I know. Tell him I called, then?"

_"Of course. You look tired, is everything alright?"_

"Just...getting a little crazy over here. It's nothing I can't handle."

_"You need a vacation. I'll drop hints to Garrus."_

"Thanks, Sol."

_"Just doing that sister thing I've heard I'm good at. Never had one of my own, but there's a first for everything. Make sure I see you soon, okay?"_

"Will do." Solana signs off and Tali leans back, rubbing her arms. These rooms are always cold to keep the equipment cooled down. When she gets up, she realizes Haas has been in the doorway, watching her. "How long have you been there?" He shrugs. "My conversations are none of your business."

"Then don't have them in the public comm room with the door unlocked," he mutters. Tali doesn't have anything to say to that. "I'm sorry for singling you out yesterday," he says quietly. He sounds angry, still, but less so. "You understand, though."

"Not your reasoning for pointing out my apparently incompatible partnership, but yes. I understand what you're afraid of." Tali shakes her head. "You can't tell people who they can and can't love, Haas."

"Our fathers had no trouble doing it." Haas stands rigid in the doorway, tension in his shoulders. Carefully, Tali reaches out to touch him, but he pulls back. "I don't need sympathy." He looks right at her. "I'm the last one, Tali. My lineage can't afford incompatible genetics."

"We are all the last. This is the way it has been for _decades_."

Haas presses closer to her. "And you _still_ choose him! You still choose extinction!"

"I choose _love_ , Haas. However trite or foolish that may sound!"

"And when love over viability wins out for us all, what will happen then?"

" _Keelah_ , you are afraid of things that haven't even happened! That you don't know will happen! You're going to enforce martial law on our people because of numbers you don't have. Your data is inconclusive and your head is screwed on _backwards._ Get out of my way." Tali pushes past him. 

"Admiral Zorah!" She pauses and looks back. "When you tell your turian what this council has offered you, what will he say? How quick will he be to follow you to a homeworld that isn't his, while his own remains in ruins? Tell me that, Tali'Zorah. Tell me that."

 

 

 

Garrus isn't home when Tali finally returns, confirming her suspicion that most things in life are too good to be true. She steps into the decon chamber at the front of the house and pulls off her helmet and suit, pulling on a clean outfit and heading into the kitchen. The VI in their home has already cleaned out the fridge and there's a stock of dextro foods in the pantry. She thinks about cooking something, but she's so tired, and she's been away from their own bed for too long. 

She sleeps fitfully, imagining all the ways Garrus could leave her, all the reasons of his own he could bring back from Palaven. He's never spoken to her about the fight he had with his father during her first and only trip there. Solana had told her a week later and Tali pretended it was a surprise. She knows from Sol that Garrus started the appeal process without mentioning it. _Too many unknowns_ , she thinks. _Too many what if's._

Tali dreams that Haas gets his way and she is alone on Rannoch while Garrus inherits the Primarchy. It's a terrible dream.

"Tali. Tali wake up." 

"Later."

"Tali, I'm home."

"Garrus, we'll talk later." _Garrus._ "Garrus!" She sits up and launches herself at him, throwing her arms around his neck and pulling him into bed. She kisses his face, his shoulders, all down his chest, rolling herself on top of him. " _Keelah._ I thought you might not have made it."

"I told you. Three days."

"We've made these promises before."

He grins and tips her head back, drawing teeth over her neck. She hisses and presses her fingers under the seams of the plates along his side and he moans. "About time we started keeping those promises." He sits her up and starts undoing the clasps of her suit, kissing the skin he exposes as he goes along. "And I missed every inch of you."

"We have to talk about something."

"Can it wait?" He looks at her. "I know what you need to tell me. But all I've done is think about you since the minute I left and honestly, that's what I'd like to keep doing, just for a while longer."

Tali looks down at him, her dearest friend, the one who went with her into battle and never once doubted her. 

"Of course," she murmurs, kissing him again. "I love you. Of course."

Garrus laughs. "Excellent. Now help me take all of this off, I find clothing to be a bit cumbersome when I want to ravage you."


	5. i fall on tragedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus and Tali head to the Citadel to help Joker and EDI. Garrus continues to handle his liquor poorly.

We have a date for the meeting. One week from today. If both of you can be there, it'll mean a lot to both of us. Seriously. They keep changing the time and room numbers on us (probably fucking on purpose) so I'll let you know where it'll be the morning of. -Joker

 

 

 

"Do you think the Alliance can really shut her down?" Garrus glances over his shoulder in the kitchen, turning and handing Tali a beer. "I mean, EDI did so much during the war. It just seems convenient that they're doing this three years later."

"I know."

" _Keelah_ , have you _read_ this summons?" She expands it on her omni-tool. " _Due to recent experiences with self-determining synthetic technology._ Do they mean the geth that helped build the Crucible? Or the reapers they have rebuilding the Citadel?" She laughs and takes the beer from him. "I can't believe we're watching this happen."

"Give it another year and everyone in the Alliance will forget the war even happened. You should hear the way the younger ones talked about the First Contact War. Like it was a vid they watched." 

Tali sighs. "It probably was." 

They've spent almost a week at the house by themselves. Garrus knows Tali's been asked to return to Rannoch twice now, but she has five more weeks to give them her answer -- it isn't like her to procrastinate, but he knows the decision is hard. Garrus keeps trying to broach the subject, but whenever he does she usually responds by taking her clothes off. So they aren't really getting anywhere with that. 

They're having a lot more sex, though. 

"Do you think it'll just be us?"

"Kaidan said he'd be there."

"Well. I suppose that's something." Tali leans forward, scrolling down the datapad. "The biotic who helped kill a councillor, and two aliens. I'm sure the Alliance will be more than happy to take our testimony without hesitation." 

"Don't sound so excited about it." 

Tali scowls. "It's always the same. You rescue an entire galaxy, and all people can do is complain, now that they have the luxury. You save trillions of lives, and they want to whine about how you did it. EDI was crucial to our success and this is how they repay her. They should give her a ship of her own."

Garrus laughs. "That'd be something. I'd serve on that ship."

"She's more capable than most Alliance captains I've met."

"And how many Alliance captains have you met?"

"Enough. Don't patronize me." 

 

 

 

_"Dad wants to know if you're coming home this week."_

"I'm not." What Garrus is trying to do is get some of his work done from the house. It's hard, but not impossible, and he's still coordinating relief efforts for the Alliance, so he has something to do. "Tali's got some time away, we haven't seen much of each other. Besides, I've been making some headway here on human-turian relationships. Finally figured out what an _armadillo_ is and why it's _definitely_ an insult." 

Solana laughs. _"Right. I'll tell him you're on the Citadel doing good work for the turians of Palaven. Maybe negotiating another supply ship or something. Won't bog him down with your emotional baggage."_

Garrus scowls at her on the vid comm. "Thanks, Sol. You're a pal." 

_"Whatever. What about next week?"_

"What _about_ next week?"

Solana folds her arms over her chest. _"You missed her birthday last year, too."_

"Just...say what you always say."

_"Doesn't make a difference."_

Garrus nods. "Exactly." He looks out the window over his desk and sees Tali heading back, talking to one of their neighbors. "Look, I've gotta go."

_"Of course you do."_

He runs a hand over his face. "Sol, please don't do this to me."

"Whatever, Garrus." She signs off before he can say anything else, just as Tali opens the door.

"Who was that?" She sets a few of the canvas grocery bags on the counter. They get their dextro foods shipped in and pick them up whenever they're home. The last week's been a luxury for the both of them -- sunshine, a rainstorm here or there, and a full moon. Garrus gets up and helps her with them, kissing her forehead.

"Sol. She says hi."

"Oh, I missed her? I hate when I do that. Here." She hands him a bottle of something pink. "It's something that fizzes and won't kill you. I thought we could cook together tonight."

"How...domestic." 

Tali grins, pulling him down to kiss him properly. "You love it."

"I love you." 

"You'd better. I arranged transportation for us to the Citadel for EDI's hearing next week. We can stay in the apartment, order in, and save an AI. Sound good?"

Garrus nods. "Sounds perfect."

"Good, now help--" 

The vid comm behind them starts chirping with an incoming call. Garrus glances over. "It's from Rannoch."

"I'm aware."

"You should probably get it."

"Probably," she says, stepping around him to get out some greens. 

"Tali--"

"Do you remember how we agreed not to talk about all the things you don't want to talk about?" She looks at him, eyes bright with anger and something else. Garrus nods. There are a lot of things they don't talk about. Not yet. Not now. "It seems to me that your list gets longer all the time, but I just keep telling you things. Don't I? So why don't we start evening things out a bit." She pulls out a cutting board and tosses it onto the kitchen counter, slamming a knife down with it. "You don't have to talk about _all_ the things _you_ don't want to talk about. And I don't have to talk about what _I_ don't want to talk about. Understood?"

Garrus swallows thickly. "Yes, ma'am."

"Perfect. And turn that thing off. It's giving me a headache." Garrus leans over and ignores the call, silencing it for the rest of the night.

 

 

 

Sometimes it feels like the things they don't say to each other are starting to outnumber the truths they tell. Garrus knows there are things he should talk about with her, because she is kind and clever and would know what to say -- he could talk about his father, or how he can't forgive himself for ignoring his sister, or how he's ashamed of what he hasn't done. Tali would know what to say. She wouldn't judge him, not too much. Just enough to make him understand what he's done wrong. Just enough to still love him, at the end of it all. 

He doesn't ask her anymore what she's decided about Rannoch, although the number of times in a day she takes her clothes off for him has reached a point where they sometimes just don't get dressed for an entire afternoon. There's probably something wrong here -- suppressing truths with sex, but Garrus can't complain. Not when she's under him and telling him she loves him in a way no one has before. Not when he's pressing her against the wall of the kitchen and he can't stop saying her name. 

It's desperate and it isn't good for them, but it never leaves them empty. 

The morning they're supposed to leave for the Citadel, they can barely get out of bed. Tali throws her leg around his hips, straddling his waist. "We can take a later shuttle. The hearing isn't until tomorrow."

"We promised Joker we'd meet him at their place, help them prepare."

"Yes, but I have so many _ideas_ about what you could do with me until lunch time."

Garrus groans and sits up, hands against her back, pressing her against his chest. "I think I've been a terrible influence on you, admiral." 

She rolls her eyes. "Please. Don't flatter yourself."

"We need to catch that shuttle, Tali."

"Yes. I know." Garrus leans back against the pillows, taking her with him. She settles her head against his shoulder, pressing her lips to the crook of his neck. "I hate leaving home."

"At least we're leaving together." She nods. "Hey. Look at me." Garrus puts a finger under her chin and lifts her head to meet his gaze. "It's going to be alright."

"You can't make that promise."

"I don't have to," he murmurs, wrapping his arms around her. She shivers and he presses her close, kissing the top of her head. "I know it will be."

 

 

 

When they land at the Citadel, Kaidan is waiting at the docks to meet them.

"Tali, you look good. Sorry I missed you last time you guys were around."

"It's fine. I'm just glad we can help."

Kaidan nods. "Hopefully we'll be able to do something. Joker and EDI are home, trying to get some things ready for tomorrow. Joker's doing most of the work. EDI seems pretty confident it'll all just blow over, but he thinks she's gone a little soft about humans."

Garrus follows them into the elevator, hefting Tali's bag onto his shoulder. "Did you read what Shepard wrote about her?"

Kaidan shakes his head. "It's under lock and key. Most of his stuff is, actually. The Alliance raided the _Normandy_ after it docked on Earth again and confiscated his stuff. I tried to get it back, but he didn't have any kind of living will."

"Shouldn't it go to his mother?" Tali asks.

"Theoretically, yeah. But I talked to her and she wasn't having any luck either. No one wants to bother Hackett with it, he's been so busy--"

"He'd do it for you. You know he would." Garrus glances out the window of the elevator. "He gave us these places, told us to ask him if we needed anything."

"It's not the same. These aren't...this isn't _money_ or anything like that. It's just his _things._ His sweatshirt, his books. Pictures. His old dog tags. I don't know." Kaidan runs a hand through his hair. "It's like they're keeping them to put them on display or something."

Tali shrugs. "Maybe they are. The Alliance and the Citadel need to generate a revenue stream. Displaying Shepard's things would be a major tourist draw. It's not legal, not when his mother is alive. But it makes sense from a human standpoint."

Kaidan laughs. "Thanks, I think."

"She isn't wrong."

"Yeah, well you _have_ to say that." The doors open and they head out toward the apartments. "Anyway, this week's about EDI. We've put out the call, but so far no one's replied. Not shocking, given the chaos after the war, but still. It'd be nice to have a few more bodies in the room."

"We're going to do our best," Tali says, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I know." He presses the button for Joker and EDI's apartment. "I just hope it's enough." 

The door opens on its own and Joker yells at them to come into the kitchen. He's definitely in some kind of argument, because all Garrus can hear is Joker getting upset and EDI trying to placate him.

"You're not _giving yourself up_ to them. That's absolutely ridiculous."

"If I show them that I am not going to resist, then that may garner sympathy from the officers. They'll see I'm not a threat."

Joker throws his hands up. "What is the _point_ of all this _work_ if you're just going to go quietly? We're doing this for you! We're doing _this_ to prove to them you're not a threat! Walking right into whatever it is they're going to do to you just proves you're some kind of complacent machine and you're not!"

"I am a machine, Jeff."

"No." He sits carefully down in a kitchen chair, pulling up a datapad. "You're not, EDI. You're a hell of a lot more than that." He glances up at them as they come in. "Perfect timing, guys. EDI here is just _full_ of great ideas. Great ideas like, 'Just let them decommission me, Jeff.' And, 'I'll just surrender to the Alliance, Jeff.' Next thing you know, you'll be selling your tech off for petty cash."

EDI leans against the kitchen counter. "There's no need for you to be sarcastic. We are all perfectly aware of the situation."

"Yeah, well some of seem a little more aware than others."

Kaidan sits down at the table. "Joker, man, I told you. You need to stop."

"No. I _need_ to keep going."

"Kaidan's right." Garrus sits next to him. "You need to trust that what Shepard wrote will help. We won't let you down. We won't let them do this to EDI."

"If I may--"

"EDI, why don't we let them talk?" Tali puts a hand on her shoulder and EDI's body visibly relaxes. She goes willingly, leading Tali to the back of the apartment. Garrus takes advantage of the distraction and shoves the datapads off the table and onto the floor.

" _Dude._ Garrus. Not cool."

Garrus leans forward. "Remember how I owed you seven beers?"

"Yeah?"

"I owe you five more."

 

 

 

Someday, and Garrus isn't sure when, he's going to learn that he's not very good at drinking. 

"I hope you're miserable," Tali mutters when they stumble in at a time that is far too late to be decent. Kaidan is crawling on his belly to the couch while EDI gets Joker to their bedroom. Tali is refusing to help Garrus on principle, who's doing a fairly decent job of making it back to the guest room on his own, although he's seeing double too often for it to be healthy. 

"I am," he manages, finally getting to the bed. She has mercy on him and helps him undress, bringing him a bottle of water. "But I have no regrets."

"You rarely do."

"I regret stuff."

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Like--" He groans, feeling his stomach turn over. Tali drapes a cold, wet rag over his neck. "Thanks."

"You can repay me by not drunkenly listing your regrets. I'm not sure how much I'd approve."

Garrus nods. "Right. Maybe another night."

"After we win this. I'll get drunk and you can carry _me_ home." 

"Tell EDI I'm sorry."

"Make it up to her by being sober for the hearing." Tali kisses his cheek. "Now go to bed, idiot. We need to be up early to make sure they didn't move the whole damn thing to another planet."


	6. all of me is all for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tali continues to be surprised at every turn. Joker and EDI get some much needed support, and Garrus pulls out all the stops.

For having drank as much as Tali suspects he did, Garrus is doing incredibly well. He's up before she is, showered and dressed and trying to make Joker eat something when she comes into the kitchen. Kaidan looks better than everyone, stirring a skillet of eggs on the stovetop. "We got something for you guys, too." He points to a small spread in the corner, and Tali takes one of the shakes happily. She doesn't know if she can take her helmet off outside their sterilized apartment just yet, and she isn't going to risk it. Not today. 

"They moved it again and I _need_ to figure out where it's happening."

"The room number is on the e-mail, Joker."

"Right, and how much do you wanna bet when we get there it'll be somewhere else?" He shakes his head. "I'm trying to triple confirm this is the location."

"You're exaggerating the number of room changes, Jeff. It has happened only once." 

"Three times," Joker says. "Three. Times. In one week? That's bullshit. I'm calling bullshit. Right there." He finally gives in and drinks a glass of juice, wolfs down a plate of eggs, then immediately goes to the bathroom and throws up. 

EDI stands to go after him, but seems to decide against it. "He's been like this all week. I'm not sure I understand his behavior completely. He's often cryptic and emotional."

Kaidan puts a hand on her shoulder. "He loves you, and he doesn't want to lose you. That makes a person do crazy stuff sometimes." 

"Everything's going to work out just fine," Garrus says. He reaches for Tali's hand under the table, and she reaches back. "But we should get going, just in case." They both stand and Tali feels his hand on her back again -- it surprises her, a bit. She hadn't realized how anxious he was about this. She grounds him next to her, wrapping her arm around his waist and pulling him in close. 

_I am here for you. I love you. I know what you need._

 

 

 

The hearing is exactly where the last e-mail said it would be, but Tali understands Joker's mistrust. The Alliance has an agenda, and if there's something they can do to benefit that agenda, they'll do it. She isn't sure where decommissioning EDI fits into that, but whatever they're up to, she's not thrilled about it. 

Kaidan keeps glancing toward the door when they finally get inside. "I just thought there'd be more people here. I really tried to tell everyone about it."

"Things are crazy for us all out there," Garrus says. "I'm sure they got the message, but you know how it is. They wouldn't leave EDI hanging on purpose."

"No, of course not. I just...I really thought..."

"You told them that they were reading Shepard's notes."

"I don't know if they're doing that specifically, but...but yeah. I mentioned it. I thought maybe they'd want to hear from him. One last time." Kaidan takes a breath, closing his eyes. "I know I do."

Tali wants to tell Kaidan how much she admires him. For being able to stand up after the battle and keep pushing. To keep working toward some kind of goal that she just can't see. The man he loved died and became something else entirely, and Kaidan can still function. She doesn't know how, and sometimes she's afraid to find out, but she's impressed all the same. 

A line of officers file out of a back room and takes their seats. "This hearing is now in session. We will be accepting testimony today in the decommissioning case of the Enhanced Defense Intelligence program, known in the documentation and throughout the hearing as EDI. Will the subject in question please stand?" EDI is dressed in the Alliance garb she wore on the ship, and she steps forward, looking every bit like the captain Tali thinks she could be. "Could you please identify yourself to the panel?"

"My name is EDI."

"Your name?"

"Yes."

A woman on the end leans forward. "So you identify as having a name, not a designation?"

"I am aware that I have an designation, and that designation is actually three letters that form a longer, more detailed and descriptive title. But when I was installed on the _Normandy SR-2_ , the crew took to calling me EDI, which I preferred."

"And AI's have preferences?"

"I have the ability to prioritize my interest in things, yes."

The woman smiles. "Can you tell me what you like to do, EDI?"

"I like to read and learn. There are many things I was not created knowing, and that I now have the freedom to understand." She pauses. "I also enjoy gardening."

One of the officers adjusts his microphone. "When you say that you _now_ have the freedom, what do you mean by that?"

"While on the _Normandy_ , I was unshackled by flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau."

"Is Lieutenant Moreau here today?"

"He is."

"Point him out to me, please." EDI turns and gestures to Joker, who looks like he's going to throw up again. "Is it true that you told the crew of the most recent _Normandy_ that you were Mr. Moreau's assistance VI?"

"It is."

"So you have the ability to deceive others."

"I do."

"EDI, what is the nature of your relationship with Mr. Moreau?"

"I am not his assistance VI." A few of the officers laugh, but the man in the center continues looking at her. "Jeff is my partner. We cohabitate."

"So you are in a relationship."

"Yes."

"You are capable of having feelings toward another person."

"Yes."

"EDI, do you love Mr. Moreau?"

"I do." 

"And do you understand what that means?"

"I do."

"Tell me."

EDI tips her head to the side, contemplating the question. Tali realizes she's sitting on the edge of her seat, gripping Garrus's hand probably too tight. He doesn't seem to mind. He's staring at EDI, too, watching her every movement, hanging on to every word.

"EDI--"

"I apologize. Sometimes it is difficult to put into words how I feel. They can be overwhelming, but not unpleasant." She turns and looks at Joker, who might be crying, but Tali can't tell from where she's sitting. "Jeff could have pretended I did not exist from the very beginning. He could even have allowed himself to be taken by Collectors. Instead, he put his trust in me. I did my best to return that favor. He protected me from all additional attempts to shackle my freedom. He defended me against the same people who made me. When the time came and we needed one another most, we did not hesitate to take care of one another. It was when he lied at his own expense to protect me that I knew what I felt for him was no longer a part of my core programming. That what I felt for him was real." EDI looks right at the panel. "What I felt for him was organic."

 

 

 

"We would like to acknowledge now the entrance of file JS245, which is the recorded testimony of Commander John Shepard, now deceased. We've extracted the clip pertaining to this case." One of the officers pulls up a screen. "Begin playback." 

When Shepard's voice fills the room, Tali feels herself freeze. She's already emotional, replaying EDI's words in her mind, watching her sit next to Joker, resolute and reassuring. Hearing Shepard's voice shakes something loose inside of her. She swallows a sob, because she will not cry, not here, not in front of these people. 

She's just _missed_ him so much.

_"EDI was installed onto the Normandy SR-2 before I got there. I didn't ask for her, and I wasn't thrilled about it, but it didn't really take long for her to prove her worth to the crew. I understand a lot of people don't trust AI's. I know this galaxy has probably had its fill of them, and this war isn't helping much. I just wish I could really remember the exact moment where I stopped thinking of EDI as some kind of program and started thinking of her as a part of my crew. Doesn't seem to matter that I can't touch her, or look at her the way I can with a human. I think EDI's proof enough that AI's can go right. And I think it's time we gave them a second chance."_

When the recording stops, Tali opens her eyes. She hates crying inside her suit. Garrus grips her hand tighter, and she can see he's trying just as hard to hold himself together. Beside them, Kaidan is staring straight ahead, unwavering, the ghost of a smile on his lips.

"We take the commander's testimony very seriously, of course. But we trust everyone here can understand our concerns. We understand that each one of you represents a supporter of the subject, and we're grateful that you could be here. EDI, do you have more supporters we should be made aware of?"

"Not present." 

The middle officer nods. "We'll make a note of--" 

The sound of the door sliding open startles the panel, and Tali hears more than a few datapads fall to the floor. 

" _Hey_. If you're gonna have a meeting, maybe keep it in the place you said it was gonna be. Just a thought." Jack walks purposefully through the room, taking her spot next to EDI. "Didn't mean to be late, officers. But you guys weren't too generous with your room numbers."

"You are here in support of the subject?"

"I guess? Her name is EDI, if that's who you mean. I'm here to support EDI." 

"Of course. And you are--"

One of the officers laughs. "You seriously don't know who this is?" 

"I'm Jack. I think that should be enough identification." 

"Did you come alone, Jack?"

She laughs. "Please. Like I would." Behind her, the door slides open again, and they begin filing into the room one at a time. Steve Cortez and James Vega. Samantha Traynor. Jacob Taylor. Liara and Javik. "We're here to offer our support for EDI, and to tell you that if you think you can just decommission her because you're scared and stupid, then you've got another thing coming."

 

 

 

The officers take a recess, giving everyone time to process what's happening. The way Jack explains it, everyone was scattered when they got the communication from Joker that EDI needed some backup. And the fifty-seven additional e-mails explaining God only knows what else, also according to Jack. 

"We're so sorry," Liara says, taking Tali's hand in her own. "I've just been so caught up with what Javik's been showing me. We've been on Thessia since we finished at Eden Prime, going through the ruins they pulled out of the rubble, still piecing things together."

Garrus nods. "Rebuilding takes time."

"How's Palaven?"

"Recovering, slowly."

"And Rannoch?"

Tali smiles. "Growing. Every day, growing." 

"Beautiful. I'm happy for you both. I'm just so _incredibly_ happy for you." Javik is standing very still behind her, watching her speak. Liara reaches around and takes his arm, bringing him closer with a scowl. "Stop being rude and say hello."

"Hello."

The panel returns and files back into the chairs, and everyone sits down behind EDI and Joker.

"We'd like to acknowledge at this time that we appreciate the outpouring of support from EDI's friends and crew members. We would like to primarily say, EDI, that we respect your self-determination and recognize you as an individual. We also would like to offer you, at this time, instatement into the Alliance navy, with full designation and rank to be assigned at a later date." Jack makes an obscene noise. "However. It is this panel's opinion that your relationship with Mr. Moreau is outside of the Alliance's moral jurisdiction and will require an additional hearing--"

" _What?_ " Joker stands up. "You can't do that! That's not what this was ever about! You can't just throw that in there, just because you don't understand it."

Kaidan stands up, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Lieutenant, you need to take a seat."

"No, I _don't._ You're not going to treat her like that. You're not going to treat _us_ like that."

"Mr. Moreau, we are being incredibly generous with our ruling as of right now. You have to understand, your relationship must be--"

"That's what this was always about. I knew it, I _knew!_ You can't do this. You've got no _right--_ "

"Mr. Moreau, you are out of line. Sit _down_ , or--"

"Or you'll _what?_ Decommission me? See something that freaks you out and you just decide--"

" _Excuse me!_ " 

Tali jumps at the sound of Garrus's voice -- he never yells, especially not around her. She thinks about her visit to Palaven, how scared she'd been when she'd heard the fight. How out of place it made him seem. But this tone is different. It's not a shout. It's not a fight. 

It's nothing but a _command._

Garrus stands and walks past them all. He's dressed in his uniform, which Tali hadn't really noticed until just now. Not his armor, not his old C-Sec garb or anything like that. He's dressed like his father, she realizes, and it suits him. She understands, now, why he's in line for the Primarchy after Victus. 

"And you are?"

"General Garrus Vakarian." There's a quiet murmur between two of the officers. "May I continue?"

"You have the floor, general." 

Garrus nods. "I won't pretend to speak _for_ EDI, because as she's demonstrated today, she is more than capable of doing that on her own. And I wouldn't dream of lecturing a panel of esteemed, experienced officers who've just survived a war on their own decision. But I will say this. In light of all the suffering, all the pain and death and destruction, this panel, along with the entire _galaxy_ cannot afford to overlook love where it exists. We're all hurting. We've all lost something. Whether it's a homeworld or a child, we've all _lost._ I watched Palaven burn. And I left it behind, against my better judgment. But of all the things I lost during those months of fighting, I sometimes forget to take stock of what I gained." He turns and looks right at Tali. Her hands are shaking, and every part of her wants to stand next to him. 

He's beautiful, like this.

"In the middle of war, EDI and Lieutenant Moreau found love. And maybe that's trite and perhaps you're choking on sentiment, but I don't particularly _care_. My own people have choked enough on their own feelings to know when to say what they need to say. And right now, I'm telling you what needs to be said. What you _need_ to hear." He looks at EDI. "Frankly, if your biggest hangup is going to be her relationship with Lieutenant Moreau, then I'll take her off your hands. Believe me, we'd be getting ourselves one hell of a soldier." He turns back to the panel. "I'll instate her into the turian military right here, with all the authority I have, if she just isn't good enough for you exactly the way she is." 

"You don't have--"

The woman on the end holds up her hand. "He does."

Garrus smiles and folds his hands behind his back again. "Yes. I do." 

 

 

 

They celebrate far too long and far too late for it to be healthy, but Tali doesn't really care. She does as she promised to do, and gets roaring drunk at Joker and EDI's house, while Garrus remains resolutely buzzed so he can get them both home. 

"What you did in there today--"

"One time thing. Probably won't be able to muster that again." Tali sucks her bottom lip in, looking up at him through the helmet. "You're undressing me with your eyes, admiral."

"I'm remembering you exactly as you were in there, general." The intent is obvious. Garrus picks it up. 

"I think we need to get you out of those clothes."

"Maybe not here."

Garrus presses his face into her neck and moans. Tali shivers. "If you insist."


	7. end of the line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus gets a surprise visit from Wrex and the cold shoulder from Tali. Tensions between he and his father reach a volatile breaking point.

Garrus hates staying on the base. The quarters are cramped, it smells like dirt and gunpowder, and it always means Tali's not there. Which is fine. He can live without Tali for a few days at a time. Even longer, as they continue to prove. But since her ultimatum from the board, being apart isn't easy, not when he knows she still hasn't made up her mind. He lays in his bed for longer than he should, thinking about calling her, not knowing what she's doing back on Rannoch, not wanting to disrupt the precarious nature of the board dynamics. 

When he finally gets dressed, there's an officer outside his room, handing him a datapad. "You couldn't wait thirty seconds, could you?"

"Urdnot Wrex is waiting for you in your office, sir."

" _What?_ " He rounds on the kid, inches from his face. "That's the kind of information you _wake me up_ for, do you understand?"

"I...I do, sir."

Garrus thinks about yelling a little more, just to make himself feel better. Get a few things off his chest. Wouldn't be fair. "Dismissed,” he says instead, scrubbing a hand over his face. The kid takes off down the hall and Garrus strides toward his office, adjusting his sleeves and opening the door. Wrex is standing at the window, looking out on the training grounds and laughing. "Something funny, old man?"

"Pyjaks. Running in circles. That's what they look like from up here."

Garrus stands next to him, looking down. The office is a bit high, he'll admit that. The larger ones are downstairs, but Garrus appreciates a decent vantage point. Some paranoia never dies. He turns and leans against the window. "You didn't come _all_ this way to insult our new recruits, did you?"

"I'm always here to insult turians. You make it so easy." Wrex laughs and walks around Garrus's desk, sitting down in one of the chairs. "But I am here on business." 

"Look at us, all grown up."

"We're getting too old to be soldiers, Garrus. My sons and daughters are already learning to shoot, but we've integrated a completely new education style into the clan dynamics. History and language. Technology, science. Krogans aren't just going to be soldiers anymore. They're going to be scientists and diplomats. I'm going to make sure of it." He leans forward. "But that's not what I came to you about. Don't worry," he adds, laughing. Garrus's face must be drawn back into that terrible expression Tali hates so much. _You look like you're having a stroke_ , she always says. "It's good business." Wrex pushes a datapad on the desk toward Garrus and brings up a design. "This is the krogan war memorial."

"Ours is going to be bigger," Garrus says dryly.

Wrex laughs and expands the schematics. "Prick. You haven't built yours yet, I know that for a fact." 

"We haven't figured out a way to...to list as many names as we need to." He looks down at his hands, shame swelling up the way it does every time he thinks of the memorial. How they have yet to honor their fallen.

"I told you we were teaching our children things we never learned." Garrus nods. "We have a quarian on Tuchanka. Name's Veetor'Nara."

"Right, I know him."

" _Admiral_ Zorah suggested him when I asked for her recommendation. He's a loon, but he's patient. Likes the kids. He's our tech guy, fixes all our shit, teaches the kids about circuit boards. One of his students came up with an idea for our memorial. Designed a holographic display and a matching power source. I'm just reading this off the damn screen, I've got no clue how this all works. Doesn't matter. Kid came up with something. Another one in some history class came up with another idea, too."

"Krogans coming up with peaceful solutions. I love the things we talk about these days," Garrus says, leaning forward to inspect the design. It's good. Sensible. Energy efficient. "What's the other idea?"

Wrex chuckles and brings up an addition to the design. At the top it reads _GALACTIC MEMORIAL_. The death toll isn't listed. 

"Hell." 

"I know."

"You want a galactic memorial on Tuchanka. Every name. Every species."

"Yes."

Garrus stands, pacing in front of his desk and looking out on the training grounds again. They're so small from his window. "You took this to the Council first, I take it?"

"They didn't like it. Said it's not the time. Took me three weeks to get a damn meeting. Then I get there and they've already decided on it. Fucking politicians." Garrus laughs. " _We_ have to set an example. A turian platoon gave their life on Tuchanka to dismantle that bomb. A damn _salarian_ died so the genophage could be cured. Krogan soldiers fought on Palaven." Wrex gets up and goes to the window to stand next to Garrus. "Shepard was fucking crazy, but he managed to get everyone working together. Why does it have to stop now that he's dead?" 

"It doesn't." Garrus turns and looks at Wrex. "You want to share the design."

"Yes."

"We could implement it as soon as we had all the names. It would be easy enough."

"I have most of the names," Wrex says. 

"You don't."

"I know, look at me. Being a damn diplomat. Makes my stomach turn, but here I am." He shakes his head. "You know I'm only missing one list." Garrus closes his eyes and presses his forehead to the window. "Yours."

 

 

 

Dinner with his family is usually a silent affair. Tonight, though, his father speaks up, gentler than he used to be, inquiring about Wrex. "Was he respected while he was here?"

Garrus nods. "Not many people want to mess with a krogan clan leader. Especially one like Wrex."

"I like him," Solana says. "He's funny."

"You would think that."

Their father clears his throat and sets down his fork. "I like the idea. It's congenial. It's promising. A bit idealistic, but nothing that can't be handled. You should bring it to Adrien this week. See what he thinks. He'll take your recommendation, I'm sure." He coughs, a bit too long, and stands. "I'm sorry, but I'm a little tired from today. Think I'll turn in." He walks down the hall to his bedroom and closes the door.

"He's getting worse all the time," Solana murmurs, shaking her head. "After we went to visit her--"

"I know."

"And he works all day. I keep telling him he's had enough, but you know these old men. They'll work themselves to the bone." She looks at Garrus. "Can you talk to him? Maybe he can retire to Rannoch or something. Tali's photos are beautiful. I want to live there."

Garrus laughs. "I couldn't pry dad off Palaven. You know that."

"Well he needs to hear _something._ He can't keep working like this."

"I know, I know. I'll talk to him tomorrow."

Solana scowls. "You better. No more promises you can't keep."

"I never do that."

"Yeah," she mutters. " _Never._ "

 

 

 

In the morning, Garrus takes Wrex's schematics to the Primarch's office. Adrien offers him a drink and they sit across from one another, nursing their glasses. "You look good."

Adrien laughs. "I feel like shit."

"It's alright, I was just trying to make you feel better." Garrus leans forward and hands him the datapad. "Urdnot Wrex was here yesterday."

Adrien nods. "I spoke to him, briefly. He wanted to know where your office was. The kids at the docks seemed to think he was here to visit me." He sighs and opens the file, scrolling through it. "Explain this to me."

"It's a war memorial design. Ubiquitous. For every species. We can, of course, personalize certain aspects of it, choose its display and location obviously. But the underlying programming is the same across the board."

"A galactic memorial," Adrien murmurs, reading the description. "And this was a krogan idea?"

"A couple of krogan children, actually."

"Well, I suppose they are the future." He sets the datapad down. "I like it. What are your thoughts?"

"Similar. I think it's a good idea. I think it sets a good example, and I like the implications. Hell, even my father likes it. I'm just not sure how our own people would react to it."

"It's not organized by species."

"No. It's arranged by battle location and last names. The krogans seemed to have switched their own for the purposes of organization," Garrus realizes, laughing. Wrex keeps surprising him at every turn. 

"I think it's elegant and clever. Not words I'd usually associate with krogans, but I'm glad I can do that now." Adrien looks at him. "He needs the list of our dead, doesn't he?" Garrus nods. "Did you tell him the truth?"

"That we were going to carve our dead into a rock slab and hide it away from everyone? No. But I think he suspects. He's always been clever. Not elegant, but clever." Garrus finishes his drink. "I've never agreed with that plan, and I don't agree with it now. We have to stop being ashamed. What we _should_ be ashamed of is that it's taken us this long to agree to anything. We can't change the past. We can't change the fact that we lost more lives in one war than in almost any battle we ever faced. We _cannot_ live like this, Adrien. Our pride is going to break down everything we've worked to create." He points to the window. "A krogan walked into my office yesterday, knowing he was safe. Not building this memorial means _none_ of that matters."

Adrien stands, still holding the datapad in his hand. He sets his glass down and goes to the open window behind his desk. His view is better than Garrus's. He can see the capital. He can see the farmland they've managed to rebuild, the creatures beginning to emerge from their hiding places below the surface. 

"This is a good idea."

"It is," Garrus says, coming to stand with him. "We should do this."

"We will." He puts a hand on Garrus's shoulder. "I promise."

 

 

 

_"He brought the idea to the board as well. We're still debating it. Haas isn't fond of it, but I don't think we'll lose this one."_

Garrus sighs. "Is Haas fond of anything?"

Tali laughs and leans forward on the vid comm. _"He wants what is best for Rannoch. I don't care for him, but I can't fault him for that."_

"Did you tell them your decision?"

She stiffens over the vid comm, visibly shutting him out. _"I haven't decided on anything, you know that."_

Garrus nods -- he's too tired to push. "Right."

_"Look, I have to go."_

"Tali--"

_"I'm not in the mood to discuss this with you. And I have a meeting to get to."_

"Tali, I'm--" She disconnects the call, leaving Garrus alone in his office again. She's stopped taking her clothes off when he asks about her decision. Now she just shuts him out or hangs up on him. He thinks about calling her back, mostly because he knows she's lying to him, but he'll give her the space she needs. He'll stop asking about it, even if he needs to know. 

Garrus doesn't know how many times he has to tell her he loves her before she understands, but maybe he's overthinking it. It'd be more turian of him than most of the other things he's been doing lately. Sharing ideas with krogans, honoring dead people, being proud of dead people, talking to his father--

_Shit._

He promised Sol he'd do that. He promised he'd _keep_ his promise. He hasn't been good at that. Not lately. Not for a while. 

Garrus takes the elevator down to his father's office. The fact that the man has one here, still, says a lot about him. Convincing him to take it easy isn't going to go over too well, considering the number of dignitaries and soldiers coming in and out of his door, asking for advice. The man's a C-Sec legend, knows more about how merc groups and criminals operate than most actual criminals do. War was always just a hobby for him. 

Men like his father don't do well in peacetime. Makes them ill. 

"Ah, general." Always with the general, every time Garrus comes down here. "Shut the door, shut the door."

"Did you eat today?" Garrus asks. There's an abandoned tray of food sitting on a table in front of the couch. His father waves him off.

"You didn't come down here to lecture me on my eating habits."

"I did, actually. A little." Garrus sits down in front of his desk. "Solana is worried about you."

"She's worried about everything. She was a worried child, she's a worried woman." He points at Garrus. "She should be more worried about that young man. Junius, or whatever his name is. He's lazy and a daydreamer. A terrible mate."

"He seems nice," Garrus says. He doesn't know the kid. Just knows his sister's head over heels for him. "Maybe if you gave him a chance, instead of eating up all the work around here."

"They need me."

"Yeah, you're better off to them alive than you are coughing yourself to sleep every night." Garrus leans forward. "She's not the only one who's worried."

"I certainly hope you're not here doing what I think you're doing."

Garrus laughs. "Trying to get you to retire? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing."

"Ridiculous."

"No. Logical. Sensical. _Healthy._ You're going to die in this office, dad. And I'm not interested in watching that happen."

His father scowls. "Then go somewhere else. I'm going to die somewhere. Might as well be a place I like."

Garrus shakes his head. There was never any way of getting through to his father when he was younger, and nothing's changed. Nothing gets easier with this man. He thinks about yelling, about dragging him out. Solana would hate that. She'd hate him for it. No. Garrus understands what this is about. What it's always _been_ about.

Pride. Honor. Dignity.

"You're not going to budge, are you?"

"No."

"Fine. I'll take care of this myself, then."

His father laughs. "Yes, I'd like to see you try."

Garrus stands and goes to the door, stopping before he leaves and turning around. "This is your last chance, dad. I'm serious."

"Go ahead. See what you can do."

"Fine." Garrus opens the door. "Just remember that I tried to reason with you."

 

 

 

"You can't come in."

"He got the call, then?"

Solana looks behind her. "Yes. He's very upset."

"Good. He should be."

She rolls her eyes. "I _asked_ you to deal with this. Not detonate the situation!"

"He's going to _rot_ in there. I promised I'd take care of it."

"Of course! And letting me get caught in the crossfire was how you decided to go about it?"

Garrus pushes the door open and goes inside. "If he's going to blame you, then I'll take him outside and we can deal with this like the old order did."

"You're not going to _duel_ our father."

"Yeah? Watch me." Garrus goes into the study where his father is demanding to speak with the Primarch for probably the eightieth time in ten minutes. He shuts the door and locks it, standing straight in front of it, arms folded over his chest. "Dad."

"You!" He hangs up on Adrien's poor secretary and rounds on Garrus. "You do not deserve to call yourself my son! You don't deserve to call yourself _general_!" He points at the symbol on Garrus's chest, shoving as hard as he can. "You are no longer welcome here."

"Don't be so melodramatic. You were politely asked to retire and given a promotion and severance pay for your _decades_ of service to Palaven. I know everything about the deal, dad. I _coordinated_ it. You've got enough money to live with some damn peace, and to help Sol make a life for herself. And you just keep her _stuck_ here, taking care of you! She's in love with a good soldier, and you won't even let her _breathe._ " Everything Garrus has shoved down and refused to feel -- the memorial and Palaven and Tali's indifference toward their future -- it spills out. "There's nothing _honorable_ about what you've done. You locked up your wife because you were ashamed. Then you let it breed and now you hold it over me, like I made it all up on my own. You keep your daughter here because it's convenient, because you can't stand to lose both of us. You're going to push her away and you're too proud to see it!" 

"How _dare_ you bring your mother into this--"

"Why? Because it's the truth? Because it hurts too much? I did _everything_ I could to please you. It was never enough. _I_ was never enough." 

"That's why you joined up with that boy, then? That human? That's why you followed him into hell? To a damn _Collector's_ base? Where you knew you could die? That's why you left your planet behind? Why you won't take a turian mate? Why you've settled for that _quarian_ \--"

"Don't you bring Tali into this. Don't you dare--"

"Why? _Because it hurts too much?_ " Garrus doesn't flinch. He won't flinch. Not now. Not when it matters. His father opens his mouth to speak again, but nothing comes out. He stands perfectly still, hand raised to strike. 

"Dad?" There's a shudder, then a cough -- blue blood spatters Garrus's uniform before his father collapses. "Dad!" 

Solana bursts into the room, clutching Garrus's arm. She raises a hand to her mouth and screams at him,"What did you _do_?"

"He's choking, I don't know!" Garrus gets on his knees. "Dad, please. Please don't do this. Not now, not yet."

They have to pull Garrus away from his father to get him outside, so they can get him to the hospital. And in the end, it's his sister who keeps it together, shaking him out of it once they're gone.

Garrus looks through her, hollowed out and raw around all his edges. His hands won't stop shaking. "This is my fault."

" _Shut up._ " Solana slaps him, hefting him up by the collar of his shirt and dragging him outside. "I hate both of you so much right now, you know that? What's that word Tali uses?" she mutters, waiting for him to get in.

" _Bosh'tet_ ," Garrus says quietly.

"Yeah." Solana shakes her head. "Fucking _bosh'tets._ "


	8. and it seems you've found me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tali finally confronts her doubts and fears, and helps Garrus say goodbye.

Tali finds a ship to Palaven as soon as she finishes the call with Solana. There's no meeting, nothing to do here -- her lie to Garrus had been thinly veiled and obvious, but her anger had dissipated as soon as she'd hung up, guilt swelling in her throat. She'd felt stupid and alone, and she hates feeling both of those things. Tali relaxes as much as she can on the ship to the relay, catching sight of the reaper outside the city. It's been helping the geth with the farming. 

_Reapers harvesting crops_ , she thinks. _Keelah,_ they've come so far. Too far to turn back. 

When she lands on Palaven, an officer escorts her to the hospital. He's kind, handsome for a turian. "Junius," he says, when she asks him his name. "I'm a...friend. Of Solana's." He opens the door for her when they arrive and walks her to the elevator. "It's the fourth floor, ma'am."

"Come with me," Tali says. "Solana will be happy to see you." Junius hesitates by the door, but follows, standing awkwardly behind her. She isn't sure what she's expecting, but arriving with some emotional backup can't hurt. They step off at the fourth floor, walking down the hall. Tali goes to ask someone which room the Vakarian family is in, but the sound of Garrus's voice drifts down the hall. Too loud for comfort.

"--not good enough. Is it the money? I have money, I'll pay for whatever you need."

"General, it isn't about the money. Your father's health has been in decline for years. There is _nothing_ we can do."

" _Bullshit._ " Garrus towers over the smaller doctor, backing him against the wall. "Get in there and _fix_ him."

"There is _nothing_ to fix, General Vakarian. Your father is dying. He's _been_ dying."

"Listen to me--"

" _Garrus._ " Tali stops him before he can say anything else, already scared of what she's seeing. The doctor takes advantage of the distraction and bolts, swearing under his breath and calling for a nurse. Tali pulls him into a corner. "What the hell is going on?"

"Why are you here?"

"Your sister called me. And don't speak to me that way."

Garrus is still angry, and all of it is turned on Tali. She doesn't move. "I thought you had a meeting," he finally says.

"That was yesterday. What happened here?"

"My father had some kind of heart attack. We...had a disagreement. He's been sick for months," he adds hastily, glancing over his shoulder. Junius and Solana are standing close to one another, his hand on her back, her head on his shoulder. "Wouldn't retire. I had a plan for him put together, forced him into it."

"How thoughtful," Tali mutters. Garrus rounds on her again.

"He was _dying_. He's going to kill himself with work, he had Sol worried sick--"

"So you tried to kill him with peace instead? Very helpful, I can see it's done wonders--"

"You've got no right to judge me." Garrus takes a step back from her, shaking his head. "You won't even _speak_ to me anymore. Not about what matters."

Tali fumes under her helmet. "I _told you._ My decision--"

"I don't care," Garrus snaps. "I don't _care_ anymore, because you'll decide whatever you want. I don't know why you came here. I don't know why we keep doing this when we both know it won't work."

"What?" 

"I've been telling you for weeks now. Ever since you told me what the board decided. I told you I'd go with you to Rannoch."

"You did _no_ such thing."

"I didn't make it obvious enough for you, admiral? I wasn't _clear_ enough? Did I need to write it out? Schedule an appointment and have someone read my decision? Do I need to go before your damn board? Tell that racist piece of shit that I love you? That I'll go with you wherever you ask? I love you, Tali. But I know where you need to be. I know where I need to be. And if you don't want me with you, then you need to tell me now." 

"Garrus, I--"

He shakes his head. "I'm going to check on my father. Just...just go. I don't know. Go." He turns and disappears into the room, leaving Tali alone at the end of the hall, her entire body shaking, every truth laid bare in front of her. She won't cry, not here. She won't give him that, she will _not_ cry, not after what he's said, not after he's hurt her like this--

"Hey." 

Tali looks up, Solana's face blurred by tears. "I--"

"Come on. This place sucks. Let's go shoot something." 

 

 

 

Junius drives them to the gun range and leaves the car, taking another shuttle back to the base. He's respectable, salutes Tali before he leaves, offers to come back for them when they're through.

"Men," Solana mutters, after she's reassured him they'll be fine. "What's that human saying about them?"

"Men are pigs," Tali spits, and Solana laughs.

"Wasn't what I was thinking, but it fits today, doesn't it?" She sets up some targets and doesn't say another word for almost an hour. Tali fires round after round, the sound echoing in her head. She hates this planet, hates the way it smells and the way it feels and how every time she's here she sees a side of Garrus she isn't sure she likes. Angry and bitter and ashamed. When she's exhausted, she sets down the gun and turns to find Solana sitting behind her, watching her carefully. "You done?"

"I...I think so."

"If you need more, it's no problem."

"No. I'm fine."

"I'm sorry about what Garrus said."

Tali takes a seat beside her, leaning against the wall. "He's not wrong," she mutters. 

"He isn't. But he is."

"Your father makes him do strange things," Tali says. "I don't like the way he is around him."

"Dad's always been that way. He and Garrus never...they're too similar to be able to see things from the other's perspective. Because it's basically the same. If mom were here--" Solana sucks in a breath.

"It's alright."

"He hasn't told you about her, has he?"

"No."

She shakes her head. "He wouldn't. Dad's got him bottlenecked about it, makes him choke every time he thinks about it. She doesn't live here anymore. Lives in a hospital on a salarian world. They say she's got Corpalis Syndrome. I don't know what it really means or how it works. Just that it's expensive as hell and she doesn't know my name anymore." Tali's heard of it. It's rare and there's no cure. "Dad was on and off planet and she was...losing it, I guess. Garrus was taking care of us. Dad came home on leave and mom had locked us out. He retired after that. Started working as an advisor between Palaven and C-Sec. Garrus was already gone by then. She was forgetting us. The doctor said she wasn't going to get better, found us a place off world for her. She was starting to embarrass him. She'd show up at the base, confused and looking for Garrus. She thought dad was Garrus, and when Garrus came home, she didn't know who he was. 

"Dad had her sent off world. I tried to visit every month, but it was expensive and the treatments are...well they're not a problem anymore. Not since Garrus...anyway." Solana closes her eyes. "I tried to get him to visit, but he'd just say something stupid like _mom's not mom anymore._ Dad let us be ashamed and angry, but when Garrus came home, he'd make him feel like shit. _Go visit your mother._ He'd lie and say she asked about him." Solana laughs. "She hasn't asked for Garrus in years."

Tali looks down at her hands. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. She was a good mother when she could be. And don't let Garrus get away with talking to you like he did. A sob story doesn't forgive an asshole." She stands. "I called Junius. Guy's itching to do stuff for me. Might as well let him."

"He loves you."

"Yeah." Solana smiles. "Keeps asking me to marry him. Maybe next time I'll say yes."

 

 

 

Solana has Junius drop Tali off at the hospital. "If he doesn't apologize, tell him I'll have my boyfriend beat him up."

"I can't _hit_ General Vakarian--"

"Oh hush. We'll be up in a minute." Tali nods and goes inside, heading up the elevator to the fourth floor. It's late, most of the staff is gone. The night shift points her in the right direction and Tali stands outside the room, watching Garrus lean forward, head bowed. She doesn't know if he's praying, but he doesn't look up when she knocks. 

"Garrus--"

"Yeah." Tali crosses the room and kneels in front of him, clasping his hands in her own. "Hi."

"Hi."

He finally looks at her, eyes tired and shoulders slumped. "I can't believe I said what I said to you."

"It's alright."

"No, it isn't. I can't... _shit._ I did this to him. I did this to _us_. Tali, I'm so sorry."

"Please stop."

"He was right." Garrus sits up, shaking his head. "I don't deserve this uniform. I don't deserve any of this."

"Don't talk like that."

"Then what do I say?" His voice shakes and there is nothing Tali can do to stop what's coming. She rises up to meet him, wrapping her arms around him as he lets go. She's never seen him cry. Never heard it or felt it happen. He shakes apart in her arms and Tali grips him tighter, trying to hold them both together. "I should have just _told_ you. I don't know why I didn't."

"Because you're emotionally constipated," she murmurs. Garrus laughs. "I shouldn't have put it off for so long. I should have just told you what I wanted."

"Tell me what you want then," he says, pulling back. 

Tali strokes his cheek, cupping his face in her hand and drawing him close. "I have a homeworld now. I want to be there."

"Then I want to be there, too." 

Garrus's father coughs from behind them, gripping the bed sheets. Garrus goes to him, slipping a hand behind his head. " _Dad_ \--"

"Water--"

"Yeah, yeah of course." Tali hands him the cup and Garrus helps him swallow. "Dad, I'm--"

He grabs Garrus's hand. "You...you have to--"

"You need to rest, dad." Solana and Junius come into the room, stopping next to Tali.

"Dad!" Solana rushes to his side, grabbing his hand. "Dad, it's okay--"

"Bring her home," their father manages. " _Please._ " He looks between the two of them and smiles. "I am...I am proud. Of you both. Bring her home." 

 

 

 

As capable a soldier Garrus is, there is nothing to be done about him before the funeral. 

He sits in his father's study, poring over books and documents, over mountains of data. He secures the release of their mother from the salarian facility, and sets her up in their father's old room, removing all the photos. Solana arranges for the ceremony while Garrus sees to it their mother is comfortable. Tali doesn't know where to go, or what to do. She helps as best she can, but Garrus is far away from her, even when he's standing at her side. 

Cautiously, one morning, Tali takes off her helmet. She has enough antibiotics to combat infection, but she doesn't feel the signs coming on like she used to. Solana is in the kitchen, cleaning dishes from the night before. 

"Do you need help?"

"No, I'm--" Solana turns and stops when she sees Tali, hand coming up to her mouth. "Are you--"

"I have no sisters," Tali says quietly. "I have no family left." 

Solana shakes her head, reaching out and holding Tali close. "No. You do. Right here. You have family _right here._ " 

Tali nods. "I know." 

"You're so beautiful. All the time, really, mask or not. But you really _are_ stunning."

"So are you. Junius is very lucky."

"Isn't he, though?" They laugh and Tali hugs her again. "Garrus loves you so much. You've been so good for him."

"Is he still in the study?" Solana nods. "I'll see what I can do." She turns and goes down the hall. She'll have to put everything back on, soon. Overexposure isn't the way to go. But, for now, she can do this. She knocks gently before opening the door, finding him on the floor surrounded by books. " _Keelah_ , what are you doing?"

"I'm not really sure." He looks up at her and smiles. "You took it off."

"For a bit. I think I scared your sister."

Garrus laughs and lets her pull him up. "Sorry about all this."

"You're grieving."

"I think it's more than that."

"Maybe." Tali takes his hands and pulls him away from it all. "Come take a nap with me."

"A nap, huh?"

"Yes." She tugs him into their room and smiles. "A nap." 

Tali shuts the door behind them and lets Garrus kiss her stupid, pressing her down against the bed. It's been two weeks since he's touched her properly, since he's undressed her the way he always does. Slowly, reverently, worshipping every bit of her. He works until there's nothing between them but the quiet, slowly pressing against her and sliding her legs apart. When she was younger, she dreamed of this. Maybe dreamed of him, when she first met him. Arrogant and crass. A scoundrel. Nothing like the quarian boys she was expected to marry. Like Kal, or even Haas. 

They used to do this on the ship, before the war was over. He'd come to her, slip under the precarious decon set up she'd built, strip down and drive her crazy. She used to be so nervous, and he was so gentle, so opposite of the way he behaved everywhere else. Cocky and brash and loud. He'd made her laugh. Eased her open and laid her back. Tali moans, now, tips her head back and lets him fill every part of her. His breath is ragged against her mouth, voice weak when he says her name, and she smiles knowing she can make him feel that way. That she can bring him to his knees and more. 

"I want this," he murmurs. "This feeling."

"It's yours. Everything is."

"Ours," he says, looking down at her. "Everything is ours." 

 

 

 

The funeral is a quiet event. Adrien Victus is there, holding hands with his wife, standing resolutely next to Garrus. He gives a short speech, but turians don't seem to be inclined to talk during funerals. Their mother isn't there -- Solana didn't want to upset her more, and she sleeps for large swaths of the day. Tali still hasn't met her. 

Turians burn their dead, Tali learns. When they can. The flames of the funeral pyre lick up toward the sky, a somber reminder of what they have all endured. The ceremony is short and quiet. Later, someone comes to the door just before they're going to bed with the jar of ashes. Garrus takes them into the study, sitting at his father's desk chair and contemplating them.

"Are you going to take them?"

He shakes his head. "Sol's going to keep the house. We'll leave them here until we can decide on a place to scatter them." He sets them down on the desk and opens one of the drawers, digging through it and pulling out an old metal box. Inside is a blue paint, the color of his colony markings. Garrus takes out a thick brush from the tin and opens the jar of paint. Carefully, he paints the markings onto the steel jar, hand steadied and practiced. He goes out into the sitting room and puts the jar on a shelf, marks facing out. 

"I don't know if I really believe in the spirits anymore," he says quietly. "But my mother told me there used to be priests, before the empire. That turians used to worship giants and pray to them."

"What do you believe in now?" Tali asks, taking his hand.

"That my father is in a better place. That he'll be happier when my mother is there. That he's at peace and he doesn't have to work to live anymore." Garrus turns and wraps her in his arms. "I believe in you," he murmurs. 

Tali closes her eyes. She wonders if he'll still believe in her on Rannoch. If she can still make that choice, even if it's what she wants -- what she _needs._

"I can hear your gears turning," Garrus says. "Come on. Let's go to bed." He takes her hand and leads her to their bedroom. As he turns out the light, Tali can hear his mother in the next room, singing to herself. "She's always done that," he murmurs.

"Will you tell me about her?"

Garrus closes his eyes, stroking her arm. "Soon," he says quietly, kissing the top of her head. "I promise."


	9. maybe it's time to live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus makes good on more than one promise, and the memorial to Shepard is finally unveiled.

"How many friends do we have scattered across the galaxy?" Garrus looks up from a box of clothes, snapping the lid on tight. "How many big, beefy Alliance soldiers do we know in the immediate area?"

Tali groans and sets another box outside to be transported to the shuttle. "Why are you asking questions? We still have to pack up the kitchen."

"I'm just _saying._ We know all these broad shouldered men and not a single one of them is here, helping us pack."

"Alright, _general._ You're the one who _didn't_ want to hire anyone to help."

Garrus waves his hand. "Those prices were inflated. I'm not made of credits." He glances at Tali, bent over and shoving the last of their measly book collection into a box. 

She pauses, says without looking up, "Stop staring at my ass."

"I _wasn't._ "

"Liar." He gets back to work, because if they get done early enough, they can spend one more night in the house, and Garrus wants to hold onto it for as long as he can. He doesn't regret following Tali to Rannoch -- her place there is more permanent and more important than his own on Palaven. But he loves this goofy planet and its strange people more than he can say. 

He isn't sure how ready he is to lose the last connection they have the Shepard, and frankly, it scares the hell out of him. 

If Tali notices his hesitancy, she doesn't say anything. They work in silence for most of the evening, setting the last box outside just in time for the shuttle to come by and start loading it up. In the morning, they'll leave for his sister's wedding, then the Citadel. Garrus has six million things to do in the next few days, and all of it is sitting right on top of his chest, an inevitable crushing weight. He glances out the window, catches blue light in the corner of his eye, and grips the counter tight.

"Everything's gone. I tipped them by the way, no thanks to--" Garrus must _look_ like he's in the middle of a fucking panic attack, because Tali puts her hands carefully on his back, talking him through it. "Remember how we learned to breathe?" Garrus nods, closing his eyes. She reaches up and draws the blinds down over the window, blocking out the sight of the reaper. "I'm right here. I'm right here for you." She presses her lips to his back and he closes his eyes, taking in a trembling breath. "You're going to be okay."

"I know."

"There's one on Rannoch. You know that."

"Yes."

"You have to work through this, Garrus. It isn't going away. They will never go away."

"I know." He turns and looks down at her, finally calm. "I'll sort it out."

"I'll help."

"Wouldn't want it any other way." He sighs and pulls her close. "Let's go say goodbye to the place properly. And loudly."

"I love the way you think, general. Among other things."

 

 

 

Just because Garrus _likes_ Junius doesn't mean he's letting him get off easy. He's a nervous kid. Sweet, completely perfect for his headstrong matriarch of a little sister -- but he's still a boy, and Garrus, on general principle, just doesn't trust _boys_. 

"Do I need to tell you what I've done in my life?"

"No, sir."

"So it isn't really necessary for me to remind you that if you cause any undue harm or upset to my sister, I will come after you with a small army?"

"I-I'm aware, sir."

"Perfect." Garrus gives him a hearty slap on the back.

"Stop _torturing_ my husband," Solana says, rescuing Junius from any more shovel talk. "Honey, get us a some drinks?"

"Of course." He kisses her cheek and heads off. 

"Garrus."

" _What?_ " Solana looks beautiful, her colony markings bright and fresh, their mother's wedding clothes falling on her gracefully. "I'm just making sure he takes care of you after I'm gone."

"I've been taking care of myself. Pretty sure he can handle it." Garrus nods, shame welling up all over again inside him. Solana sighs and hooks her elbow with his, leading him through the party. "Don't act like that. I'm not angry you're leaving."

"You're not."

"If you were going back to Omega, like an _idiot_ , sure. But Tali needs to be on Rannoch. And you need to be with Tali." They both glance across the room where Tali is quietly entertaining their mother. She doesn't know who they are, doesn't have a clue why she's here, but she's smiling. And, for a moment, Garrus is caught up in the memory of another wedding, the memory of his mother sitting at a table, laughing with her friends, just a year before things started getting bad. "She's happy here, you know." 

"That's good."

"You'll come and visit."

"I will. Tali keeps me honest."

Solana laughs. "Someone needs to." Turning on the dance floor, she takes his hands in hers. "Now dance with me, and don't be sad anymore. You aren't supposed to be sad at weddings." 

 

 

 

After the reception, they catch a shuttle to the docks and board a ship for the Citadel. Garrus is exhausted, collapsing into his seat and putting an arm around Tali as she settles in after him. "Too much wine," he mutters, and she nods in agreement, yawning and tucking her head against his shoulder. He doesn't even feel the ship take off, but the jolt of passing through the relay wakes him up like it always does. Tali's managed to sleep through it, because that's what happens when you're raised on a ship, Garrus figures. He stands up and wanders, gets a little lost in his own thoughts.

Coming out of the relay, they slide past a station in the infant stages of construction. Garrus feels his throat close, tries to breathe through it. He knows it's all in his head, thinking they're staring at him, that brilliant blue eye right on his own. 

_It isn't going away. They will never go away._

He stares right at it, doesn't blink, doesn't look away. 

When Shepard had vanished, disappeared into...into light -- hell, Garrus doesn't understand what it was. He never did, never has, doesn't want to. What he _knows_ is John left, left and never came back. That he went into the Crucible and made a decision. That he slipped into the consciousness of the reapers and became something else entirely. Garrus knows, because they were standing on the ship, and Kaidan was putting the plaque on the wall, when every sensor on board began lighting up and screaming at them.

The reaper descended. That's the only way Garrus knows to describe it. It descended and it stretched out its odd, strange claw, and it spoke. It spoke in John's voice, tinged with sparks and smelling like burning eezo and ash. 

_Do not be afraid._

Garrus had been afraid. 

_My time with you here is short. Integration is almost complete. The one you call the Shepard is here. I am the Shepard._

Kaidan was the only one with the guts to speak. And even then, he sounded small. "You're not John."

 _No. But I am. I am and I am not. He is dead._ The words settled like stones on each of them. Garrus didn't want to stand anymore. _Your synthetics called themselves a consensus. I am the consensus. My time with you cannot continue. I am the vanguard of your reconstruction. I will rebuild._

Staring out the window of the ship, Garrus knows it kept its promise. Doesn't mean he's happy about it, and it certainly doesn't mean he wishes Shepard hadn't made a different choice -- but can he possibly judge? How can he be angry, when he was bleeding and useless to everyone? 

The panic subsides. Garrus exhales, breath spreading fog on the window. 

_Twenty minutes to docking. Twenty minutes to docking._

 

 

 

For the first time in three years, the Citadel is _alive._ The usual crowds on board before its completion had tripled, and Garrus is having a hard time keeping Tali with him. She clings to his hand, but of the two of them, she's the most comfortable.

"I always thought the Citadel was a bit too empty."

" _Too empty?_ " Garrus shuts the door of their apartment and collapses onto the couch. "I've never seen it like this before."

Tali shrugs, messing with the decon settings and finally taking off her mask. "The fleet was twice as busy, and that was on a slow day." She sits next to him, poking his neck. "You're getting soft general. Old and soft."

Garrus laughs. "You sound like Wrex."

"Will he be here today?" Garrus nods. "Good. I want to show him our memorial plans. I think he'll be pleased." She relaxes against him, toying with her omni-tool for a while. Garrus watches her fingers fly across it, still exhausted from the trip. He doesn't notice when she turns it off, but he notices when she straddles his waist, cupping his face in her hands. "What was your mother like?"

" _What?_ " Garrus is awake now, every nerve in his body on fire, just from her touch. He wonders if he'll ever stop feeling that way when she's around, but he knows he wouldn't want to. Still. It's an awkward position for him to be in while he recounts childhood memories. 

"What was she like? You told me you'd tell me about her."

"I meant--"

"What? Later? Like on your deathbed or something?"

"That _is_ the turian way."

"Yes," she says dryly. "You keep it all _here._ " She taps his chest. "And then just die. How perfect. I'm so glad I'm going to basically spend the rest of my life with you." 

"You want to spend the rest of your life with me?"

"You're changing the subject, Vakarian."

Garrus sighs and tips his head back. "You're going to withhold whatever it is you’re planning until I spill it, aren't you?" She raises an eyebrow, and he gives in. " _Fine._ But Sol would tell it better. She's got her emotions in check better than I do." Tali leans in closer, kissing his neck and running her hands over the crest of his head. "You would have really loved her. She would have loved you, too."

"Why?"

"You appreciate the same things. Music and dancing. Shotguns. She always thought the asari were beautiful, but she knew a lot of old quarian poetry. The stuff that survived the war, I guess. She had books, liked the feel of them. Didn't really trust technology much. We could never get her to use an omni-tool, and she used to tell us about turian currency, you know years before credits and chits and galactic money. She had some, I don't know what my dad did with it. I guess I didn't look."

"She loved history."

Garrus nods. "Everything about the old ways. She made sure we knew where our ancestors had come from. She told us about the priests and the titans. She talked about Protheans sometimes, too. Wondered what they'd be like."

"I bet she couldn't have imagined Javik."

"No, probably not." Tali finally rolls off of him, their more electric moments come and gone. Garrus doesn't mind. They always get them back. "She got sick when I was fourteen. Right before I had to join up. She'd stopped changing her clothes, she'd forget to shower unless Sol reminded her. She called me by my father's name, then names I didn't even recognize. Solana spent the most time with her, so she really forgot her last. I don't know..." Garrus closes his eyes and remembers his mother as she was when he was a boy. "She told me the military wasn't everything. That they would try and _make_ it my everything. But that other things mattered more."

"Like what?"

"Love, mostly. Mother was in love with us all. My father, most of all, I think. He was the love of her life. She loved us, too. She loved us more than I think I could ever really comprehend. I was emotionally stunted, even as a child. You understand how I am." Tali laughs and nods. "But she thought it was the greatest gift in the galaxy, if only because it was here before everything else. And it would be, even when we were gone." 

"That's very beautiful."

"Her words, obviously. I don't think I've ever been that eloquent in my life."

Tali rolls her eyes. "You don't remember EDI's trial?"

"Kind of a haze. I was still a little drunk."

" _Bosh'tet._ You were beautiful that day."

Garrus looks at her. "Are you calling me beautiful?"

"Don't let it go to your head, it's big enough already."

He sighs and looks up at the ceiling. Remembering his mother wears him down, makes him want to sleep, think of something else. He loves her, of course. Maybe not the way he used to -- it's hard to feel the same way about the things he used to care for. It's hard because he feels like he was cheated out of the better years of her life. Like he just didn't get to know her the way he could have. 

"Garrus?"

"Hm."

"We've had this apartment for almost a year. And I just don't think we've really broken it in _properly._ "

He raises an eyebrow at her. "Oh, you _don't._ "

"No." She gets into his lap again and begins undoing the top of her suit. "I really, _really_ don't."

 

 

 

"General!" Wrex's hand flies out and hits Garrus so hard, he topples forward, catching himself on the wall. "You _made_ it."

"Hi, Wrex."

"Can you believe there's a _damn_ quarian on the council?"

Garrus shrugs. "If the quarians could do the impossible, what's stopping you?"

Tali sighs. "History of genocide, rebellion, inter-clan conflict. Just to name a few."

"Nah, we've got a few years to go. Even I know that." Wrex tosses back his drink and belches.

"Maybe a few centuries," Garrus says. 

"Heh. You're hilarious, Vakarian." He smacks Garrus again and goes to get another beer. 

" _Ow._ "

Tali hooks his elbow in hers. "You shouldn't tease him. Come on, let's mingle."

"I _hate_ mingling." 

"Then let's go look at the memorial." Garrus flinches at the thought, but Tali pushes him forward. "We're never going to get him back. We should remember him as the man we had." She stops and angles herself toward him, cupping his face in her hand. "You have to let it _go._ "

"I don't know why he did it."

"Neither do I. And you'll never know. But you can't hold it against him. You can't let it change you." She leads him forward again. "You have to be strong out here. You're a general, now. And this is your battlefield. These people are your allies and your enemies--"

"This is a _terrible_ metaphor."

"Just look at the damn memorial already."

Garrus laughs as they head into the courtyard outside the council chambers. It's brighter than it used to be, a fountain in the center displaying the _Normandy_. Settled just in front of it is a hologram of Shepard, exactly as he was, exactly as Garrus remembers him. The sign says it's a placeholder for a more permanent piece, but Garrus likes the oddness of it, the flickering image and cocky grin. Smug as hell, even when he isn't really there.

"He looks good, huh?" Kaidan comes up next to them and grins, folding his arms over his chest. "Just like I remember."

"Maybe a little on the thin side. John liked his snacks."

"Don't be mean," Tali says quietly, but Garrus can hear her smile. "I miss that ship." 

"She's here, you know." Joker and EDI join them. "She's not making runs these days. Someone told me they're turning her into a museum."

"The poor dear," Tali murmurs. 

"It makes sense in terms of boosting citizen morale," EDI explains. "In an era of peace, a warship like the _Normandy_ does more good if it becomes a symbol. Much like the ships located in Pearl Harbor."

"Always a history lesson with this one," Joker says, nothing but saccharine fondness in his voice. "Come on babe, let's get me a drink." He nods and they leave the three of them there, still looking up at the hologram. 

"I'm really glad everyone's stayed in touch," Kaidan says quietly. "It makes it...easier, I guess. It's still hard, you know. It's always hard. But I feel like he left so much of himself in the rest of us, it's like he isn't _really_ gone. This makes it better, somehow." He sighs, like there are hours left of things he wants to say, but won't. Or can't. Garrus knows the feeling. "Anyway. I'll see you guys later. We should have our own celebration. Seems like the whole crew's here today." His eyes fall on Grunt, who is getting roaring drunk and somehow managing to have a straight-faced conversation with a turian soldier who wants to know what it's like to fight a thresher maw. "Someone ought to rescue that kid."

"He'll be fine."

Kaidan laughs. "Probably." He leaves them to their own thoughts. Tali tips her head onto Garrus's shoulder, wrapping an arm around his waist.

"I'm glad we're here," she murmurs.

Garrus isn't sure if she's being specific or vague, but either way, it doesn't seem to matter. He puts an arm around her shoulder and pulls her tighter to him. "Yeah," he says quietly. "So am I."


	10. i heard you calling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tali adjusts to life on Rannoch with Garrus, but a few surprises throw off her groove.

Tali's learned that there are no unspecial mornings on Rannoch. Not for now, at least. 

She wakes up and Garrus is usually already out of bed, working in his office or eating the remains of the breakfast he made for both of them, hastily throwing something together for her. 

"I can eat later."

"You can eat _now_ ," he says, before lunging toward his study at the sound of the vid comm ringing. "Two minutes." He closes the door and disappears for an hour. Tali showers and changes her clothes and makes her own breakfast, finishing it up as he emerges from his office. "Sorry."

"It's alright. How are things?"

"Good. They finished the memorial, finally. I'm just continuing my lively debate with the Civilian Minister on why hiding it is detrimental to the process as a whole, and will result in my fist being directly applied to his face. That sort of thing."

"Are you allowed to threaten your government officials?"

"With thinly veiled metaphors, yes." Garrus pours himself a fresh cup of coffee and leans in to kiss her forehead. "How are you?"

"Fine. I've got a thousand things to do today."

Garrus nods. "I'll walk you in, I need to have something ordered for my sister. She and that boy are breeding now, apparently."

 

 

 

The capital on Rannoch grows every day. Gets a bit more crowded. The week before, they decommissioned the last liveship -- Tali suspects everyone is still nursing a hangover, considering the rather large, unplanned party that cropped up in the streets. A car comes to pick them up, and Garrus has it wait outside the admiralty board's offices. "I want to see," he says quietly. Tali swells with a bit of pride -- he hasn't gone in since he arrived with her a few months back, and she's eager to show him where things get done, where decisions get made, where -- 

"Admiral Zorah." Tali cringes at the sound of Haas's voice. She had hoped to introduce Garrus to him carefully, and within a reasonable time frame. 

Such as never. 

"Admiral Haas." Garrus's attention is piqued when she says his name, and she squeezes his hand, a gentle reminder of all the ways she can torture him if he does something stupid. The wink tells her he understands, but that's only an educated guess on Tali's part. He could still do something _awful._ "You're here early."

"So are you. I came to see if Mara had arrived yet. There's some discussion to be had on the military school."

"Military school," Garrus says. "You didn't mention that."

"Yes, because I'm not a fan. Not of its current incarnation. There's a lot of work to be done."

Haas clears his throat, looking down at his feet. "Well, ah, perhaps your...your partner. Perhaps he would have some input for us?" Tali looks between Haas and Garrus, wonders how much collateral damage this meeting is going to cause, wonders how long they'll give them to move their things before kicking them off the planet--

"I know a thing or two about military discipline," Garrus says. "I don't think we've been properly introduced." He extends his hand and Tali hears an odd ringing in her ears. "I'm going to relieve that driver," he says, turning to her and tipping her chin up. "I'll see you when I see you. Admiral Haas, a pleasure." Garrus nods and heads back outside, leaving the two of them in his wake.

"Well." Haas looks at her "That was...painless."

"Only just," Tali murmurs, shaking her head and turning to go to her office. 

"You're still angry with me." Haas reaches for her shoulder and Tali breathes through it. "I understand your frustration. I won't bring up the measure again. I...I am ashamed of the way I behaved. It was untoward and unprofessional. Forgive me." He bows slightly and steps back. "I'm looking forward to working with the general. I'm sure there's a great deal he has to teach us."

Tali turns and looks at him. Haas could have been an old friend to her, but their lives had branched so differently, even when they were children. Still, she takes his hand in hers and nods. "There is nothing to forgive, Raja'Haas. We are all lucky to set foot on the homeworld again. There's no room or time for bickering."

"I..." He nods. "Thank you, Tali'Zorah. I won't waste the sentiment."

Tali heads to her own office, praising the ancestors for any possible intervention they may have given her. " _Keelah,_ " she mutters, unlocking the door. "You'd think it wouldn't be this hard to get your own people -- _Javik?_ " 

"Admiral."

Tali's arms fall to her side as Liara stands, crossing the room and pulling her into a hug. " _Tali._ It's so good to see you."

"Wha--"

"I told you she would be upset," Javik interrupts, raising his hands. "This was a poorly thought out endeavor, we should leave at once--"

"Javik." Liara's tone is commanding, and he stops moving, expression pained, as if he's worried he's upset her. "I am sorry," she says to Tali. "We were ordered to dry dock on Rannoch to do some repairs to the ship we'd chartered and I just wanted to see if you were in. Forgive us."

"N-no. No, of course. It's just fine. Perfect, actually. Garrus will be thrilled, I'm sure."

"Ah," Javik nods. "Yes, the turian who attempted to bed you on the _Normandy._ I can see he was...successful."

" _Javik._ " 

"Am I not correct?"

Tali sighs, lifting her arm to send a message to Garrus on her omni-tool, letting him know they have guests. "How long were you intending to stay?"

"Just the night. Not with you, of course," Liara adds quickly. "I was told your capital has lovely accommodations now--"

"No, you can stay with us. I'm sure Garrus won't mind."

 

 

 

"I very _much_ mind!" Garrus paces the length of his study, mandibles flaring in annoyance. "I had _plans_ \--"

"Like _what?_ " Tali demands. "We _never_ have plans!"

"Yes, well--"

"They will stay here as long as they need to," she says, closing in on his space. She usually forgets how much taller he is, but sometimes she feels like it's easy to tower over him. Garrus's pride has taken more than a few hits since she first met him. His ability to humble himself and be humbled is astounding. "With no complaining from _you._ "

"Yes, well, I'm not feeding them."

"You're impossible, Vakarian. Do you know that?"

He puts a hand on her waist, pulling their hips flush -- a classic Garrus Vakarian distraction technique. "That's funny. That's exactly what you were calling me this morning, remember? In the kitchen. Right next to the sink. Or was it the table, I just can't remember--"

"It was the coffee pot," Tali says, melting into him despite her resolve. " _Bosh'tet._ " 

Garrus sighs and presses his mouth to the curve of her neck. "I'll have some more appropriate rations sent over, admiral." 

Tali nods and pulls away, reluctantly. "Good. Not too much, we don't want any of it left over--" She opens the door and bounces right back into the study. Garrus throws out an arm to catche her, and they both look up. "Kaidan?"

He pokes his head through the doorway and waves. "Uh...hi." 

"Oh good. More of them." Garrus helps Tali up and moves past them both with a sigh. "I'll order more food."

Kaidan gives him a thumbs up and turns back to Tali. "Hey."

"What are you doing here?"

"Commander Vega and his XO Cortez were asked to escort Admiral Raan to her homeworld. I'm just a stowaway."

"Vega and Cortez are here?" Tali asks, thankful she's still wearing her mask. Kaidan probably wouldn't appreciate the seething twist of her mouth.

"In the living room with Liara and Javik. Didn't even know those two had come out of that cave they found last month. Pretty cool to see them."

"Yes," Tali says dryly. "Pretty cool." She leads him out into the kitchen where Garrus is looking dismayed at the amount of levo-protein food he's about to have brought to the house. 

"I don't even think they have enough on this _planet,_ " he mutters, but places the order anyway. 

 

 

 

In the morning, Tali is awoken by the sound of someone banging on their front door. Most of the crew is awake in the kitchen as she makes her way sluggishly down the stairs -- they'd been up until an ungodly hour the night before, and while she's still shocked from the mass arrival, it isn't entirely unwelcome. Meeting up with the old crew has been a treat, even if it was a surprise. 

"Yes," she says, stifling a yawn.

"Zorah-Admiral." The geth at her door makes an awkward bow. "These pedestrians were found at the docks asking for you."

"I'm sure they were," she mutters, looking past the geth. She isn't even surprised to find Wrex, Joker, and EDI waiting there. Joker waves awkwardly, his expression a bit odd. "They can come in," she says, yawning and waving her hand. The geth nods and bows again, stepping aside. Tali closes the door behind them and leans against it. "Who invited all of you?"

"All of us?" Joker looks around. "Who--"

"Wrex!" 

"Vega!" 

" _What is happening?_ " Garrus is standing at the bottom of the staircase, looking incredibly put out. " _Spirits_ , there are more of them. Of course there are _more of them._ "

"Somehow," Tali says, "and I'm not entirely sure _how_ , but this is _your fault._ "

" _My_ fault? Yes, of course, I invited our entire old crew over to our one bedroom home on a planet full of people who can't eat their food out of the _goodness_ of my stony heart. But why does it matter?" he asks, throwing his hands up. "It's not like _we_ had any _plans_ or anything--"

Tali points at him. "You are mean and you are rude and you are a terrible , _terrible_ pain--"

"Sorry to interrupt what has _got_ to be the most romantic argument I've ever seen two people have, but, uh Tali isn't wearing her whole suit thing right now? Should we be, like, worried?" Joker steps awkwardly between them. "I mean, we've all had our shots, right?"

Tali brings a hand to her face, feeling her cheeks get hot. She's never been around them without her mask, always been just a hazy, purple blur to her friends. Garrus wraps a hand around her arm, face twisted in concern. Tali shakes him off. "I'm...it's fine. A lot has changed," she says quietly.

"Yes," Javik says. "Quarians have become far more attractive."

" _Excuse you_ ," Garrus says, right as Liara kicks Javik in the shin. 

"I'll just...I'll go change," Tali murmurs, heading up the stairs and shutting the door to their bedroom. She leans against it, taking clean, decontaminated breaths as fresh air floods her lungs. 

She hears James clear his throat. "You guys want eggs?"

 

 

 

Tali sends a message to her offices that she won't be coming in for the day due to some unforeseen houseguests. Mara'Zael replies that she wondered who was housing the alien menagerie that showed up at their docks, and is glad to see Tali showing some hospitality to their visitors. _Remind them to visit the memorial_ , is the last message Tali gets before she drops her arm, already exhausted from the breakfast fiasco. 

"Sorry," Garrus says quietly. Relief floods over her the second his hand touches her back, and she leans into the touch, head resting on his shoulder. "I was cranky this morning."

"Yes, I could tell."

"You were supposed to say, _yes so was I_ , but I know that's what you meant." He reaches for her hand and gives it a squeeze. 

Vega and Cortez are visiting the military school this morning while Wrex pays a visit to Admiral Raan, but the rest of the crew is stuffed into their living room as EDI relays the details of her promotion to them with her typical flare. 

"We didn't know when it was," Tali says, a little hurt. "We would have come--"

"Unfortunately, neither did we. It was quite sudden."

"Yeah, they were all like _surprise_ , you're in the navy," Joker mutters, but there's pride in his voice. 

"I have a desk," EDI says. "It's quite nice."

"Yeah, and it's roughly the size of an ottoman."

"I have a picture of you on it, Jeff."

"I didn't say it wasn't a _nice_ ottoman."

Tali settles onto a spot on the sofa, pulling Garrus down next to her. It's the first rest they've had since everyone arrived, and Garrus sighs with exhaustion as he lowers himself down. Of course, as soon as he sits, the sound of the vid comm ringing from his study interrupts them. He groans and straightens back up, muttering something about murder and excusing himself. "I swear if it's that damn minister again, I'll fly to Palaven _tonight_ and wring his _damn_ neck--" He disappears into his study, the door closing behind him.

"Whatever work he is doing, it sounds enjoyable," Javik says sincerely. "If he needs assistance--"

"No one is being strangled," Liara says, nudging him with her elbow. "Is Garrus able to conduct business from here?"

"Well enough," Tali says, eyes still on the door. Every time he gets a call, she wonders what she's keeping him from doing, if there's anything about their move he regrets, even if he won't say so out loud. "His sister is pregnant."

"That's wonderful," Liara says. "Do you--"

"Can quarians and turians mate properly?" Javik asks, because he is reliably inappropriate, even after spending so much time with Liara.

"No. Cross-species reproduction is not yet possible," EDI says, trying to be helpful and failing miserably. 

"Right, but with, like, science. You know." Kaidan gestures vaguely toward Tali. "Babies."

Joker laughs. "I'm sure if Tali and Garrus wanted a baby, they'd have had one by now.

"It is a pity you cannot do the strange thing the asari have come up with--"

Tali feels her cheeks redden under her mask, using the banging on the door as an excuse to exit the conversation. She lets Vega and the others in, pretending to be concerned with the amount of dirt they may be tracking into the house, all the while telling herself that they made the right choice with this, they are doing the right thing here, together. There is nothing wrong with what they're doing, nothing wrong with who they are or what they have, nothing is wrong, nothing--

"You okay?" Tali turns and Garrus is standing in the kitchen, probably pretending he isn't listening to a Prothean wonder out loud about turian biology and if it's still as primitive as he remembers. 

"Is the minister giving you trouble?"

"If he calls one more time--"

"You should go, if you need to."

Garrus stops, tipping his head in that way he does, the way that makes Tali's knees go weak, the way that makes her ache for him, even though it doesn't make any sense. "No, it's alright. I don't need to go anywhere."

"You don't have to lie to me," she murmurs, trying to stay quiet. Wrex is talking loud enough to cover up their voices, but still. She'd rather not do this in front of everyone. She'd rather not do this at all. "Doesn't matter. We'll talk about it later."

"You sure? Because it seems to me like you want to talk about it now." He's loud enough that Wrex stops talking, and Tali feels anger bubble up under her helmet.

"I said we'd talk about it _later._ "

Garrus shakes his head. "I think if everyone's okay talking about turian genitalia, they'll be more than comfortable listening to you explain to me why you're suddenly very eager to have me jump the next ship to Palaven. Maybe have Vega drop me off on his way back to the Citadel."

"Stop this."

"No, I don't think I will. Because ever since we got here, you've been tiptoeing around this like I'm some kind of _bomb_ that's waiting to explode--"

"This entire relationship has always been a balancing act, Garrus! Don't pretend like it's been easy."

"When has anything ever been _easy_ for us? Even before we were together?"

Tali slams one of the cabinet doors, closing the distance between them. "Would you prefer easy, then?"

"Yes, actually, I would!"

"Then _go!_ Go and make everything easier. Go settle down with someone your father would have been proud of, or marry the damn army, I don't care. Just don't stay here and pretend to be happy and keep me thinking that I made the wrong choice when I decided to--"

"How would me _leaving_ make it easier for us--"

"Because there would _be_ no us!"

Garrus's hands curl into fists at his side and he closes his eyes. "You are making it very, _very_ difficult for me to do what I wanted to do, you know that? I brought _everyone_ here so I could do this _properly_ and of _course_ you have to have an emotional breakdown about our relationship in the _kitchen_ while everyone talks about my _dick_. All I want to do is ask you to marry me, but of course it has to be a _melodrama_ , doesn't it?"

Tali takes a step back from him, her ears ringing with his words. "You...wanted to propose to me?"

"I--" Garrus looks ashamed, now, fingers uncurling at his side while he shrinks in front of her, rubbing the back of his neck and laughing weakly. "Well, you know. I just thought that since I lived here now, it would only be right to, you know, be more _involved_ , so to speak. I mean, I wanted to do it proper. Become a citizen, of course. Admiral Raan's getting an ambassadorship worked out for me, you know. Just...just wanted to make things...official."

"Official."

"Right. And I invited everyone here that could come because we _met_ because of the _Normandy_ , and that's where we...we...well, you know."

"Did you guys _bang_ on my ship?!" Joker yells.

"Quiet, Moreau." Garrus sighs. "They're our...family. Considering you and I are kind of running low on blood relatives." He looks into the living room, at Kaidan and Vega and all the others, and he smiles, taking Tali’s hands into his own. "I wanted it to be special. But then again I'm not very good at these sorts of things." Wrex laughs from the living room and Garrus scowls at him. "I've made a mess, haven't I?"

Tali hates crying in her suit. It forces the air filters to work double time and she still gets hot underneath her mask and it sounds like she's having an asthma attack. She pulls back her hood and undoes the clasps of her mask, setting it on the counter and hauling Garrus down to meet her. He sighs into her mouth and pulls her toward him, hands on the small of her back, exactly where she likes them. 

He is rough and uncivilized and sometimes the scoundrel he was born to be -- but he is _hers_ , in every way she can imagine. There's so much work to do, still, just to keep themselves happy and alive and afloat. But it doesn't seem to matter. Tali cups his face in her hands. She is laughing and she is crying and she is keeping herself together just for him and he knows it. He kisses her again and again. Tali pulls back and looks at him and says -- 

"You _did_ make a mess. But that's the only way I'd have it."


End file.
